Not used to dumping someone

She laid in bed all day and tossed and turned and cried a bit and she even tried praying but it was no good, she was at a loss of what to do with herself.  She was a good girl and she didn’t like to hurt anyone or cause anyone pain or worry.  She was a healer, a comforter, a nurturer, a supporter of loss causes, a humanitarian, an animal lover, and much more along those same lines. She was also deeply sensual and needed constant sexual attention.  It was getting to be a problem for her. 

Lately she had played with people’s feelings in a despicable way, so very unlike her that it was breaking her heart to think on it.  This last man she had sent sexy text messages to and lead along enough for him to expect a night of passion from her was weighing on her heart after she blocked him and deleted his profile.  She knew she wasn’t interested in him sexually after a little while of texting and talking and she should have stopped right then and there and told him how she felt, but she continued on the charade.  It wasn’t her style to do that to someone as she had always been upfront with her feelings.  There was no explanation for her behaviour.  She was disappointed in herself.

And this other one who she truly liked but knew he wasn’t the right one for her, and he also was just using her, someone to fuck because she was good at it, deserved an explanation to why she was dropping him.  It was only common curtesy and a kindness. To not say a word and freeze him out would be deplorable on her part.  She always wanted to please and never hurt. Her passion was eroding her naturally gentle spirit. She couldn’t let this continue.

Recently she had believed that the one who she loved had just dropped her without a word and her heart had shattered. The pain of it was unbearable.  So, for her to do this to someone, anyone else, defied logic.

She needed her lover badly, maybe then she wouldn’t feel so out of control. He seemed to want her to fuck other people for his pleasure too when she would tell him about it.  She enjoyed the fucking very much and she got aroused just as much telling him about it, that was not the problem for her. The problem was cutting it off and saying no more when they naturally got attached to her.  It hurt her to hurt them or she just didn’t want anyone to hate her when she dumped them.  That was more the truth. She wanted to be loved and not hated.
Is this a gift or a curse to be this sensual she wondered.  Was she being loved or just being used. Maybe it didn’t really matter, probably the same thing in the end.  She was alive and living and feeling and growing and creating and pleasing and receiving and fucking.

Wonderful she thought and naturally her mind went to her lover and the wetness started to flow again.

Published by summerhilllane

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