Today is the day after Christmas 2019 and instead of being up and about doing this or doing that, exchanging unwanted gifts, etc. I am alone in my little bed pondering the unfolding of recent events trying to figure out how I could be so gullible, stupid, blind, trusting, needy, weak, clingy, hopeful …… I would like to slap myself around and knock some sense into me for letting myself get played, and not just once but over and over again for the past 6 months.
This realization that I was dealing with a player is not new. I have know from the beginning of this connection that he was a wild card, but I was drawn in and couldn’t stop myself. He was who and what I was looking for. Passionate, sexy, kinky, crude, rude, domineering, bossy, and ultimately emotionally blocked. I wanted all of that from him, yet also wanted his love and protection. Was I being delusional, maybe.
The recent event that I referred to at the beginning of this blog concerned the renting of a hotel room. He asked me to book a room for us so we could be together and lose ourselves in the pornographic passion that we had been talking about for the past several months. My first mistake was booking that room and paying for it. Of course it should have been him making these moves but I understood why he didn’t and I don’t want to go into it here. Everything was all arranged and I sent him the details which he acknowledged. This is all being done by text message, which I hate with a passion, but he hasn’t been phoning lately and has thus delegated our relationship to misspelled words and emojis. He must like to read over and analyze, something you can’t do with a phone conversation. Anyway the messages from him were almost non existent after that. I said good morning etc., trying to get a response from him. Useless. Finally sent him a text , “I already know you are not coming to see me, so just relax and enjoy Christmas”. He answered right away and said that yes he was coming. Two days before said meet up he messaged me and asked if I would cancel that hotel and book one closer to where he lived. So being the obedient slave and submissive that he has trained me to be, I do just that. So now I have rented a room in two different hotels in two different cities for the same date.
I know what you are thinking – “what a moron”, yes, and I’m thinking the same thing too about myself but not him.
I sent him the confirmation from the hotel that he had requested and he was happy and excited about seeing me soon. He said he had a surprise for me too. I was a bit worried and actually scared because he just might surprise me with another man or another woman to join us in our lovemaking. It was a real possibility so asked if I should be afraid of his surprise. He said he would never do anything to hurt me because I was in his soul and in his heart. What wonderful reassurance that I so needed to hear. What he said is true, we are connected in our souls. I feel his presence with me everyday and also feel his sexual energy especially at night and early mornings. He has told me exactly the same thing. Only thing is, he is in my heart as well but I don’t think I am in his.
The next couple of days consisted of one word responses to my questions about logistics. He was freezing me out and being non communicative. I told him what train I would be on and what time I would be arriving for him to pick me up. All he said was yes…. then silence.
I was already on the train when I finally heard from him that a family member died and that he was going to go over to be with his mother and that he was truly sorry. Is he lying? Probably. Why was he being so cold and distant leading up to the day of? Was he trying to think of something plausible that he could say to stop our liaison yet still keep me hooked on him? Interesting that he waits until the last minute and has me second guessing myself and my intuition. My intuition is always right and I already knew.
So now I have the charges for two hotel rooms and a decision to make that I should have made months ago. Is it possible to cut this strong cord that attaches us? I have been trying unsuccessfully thus far, but maybe this event may be the final straw.
What do you think? I would appreciate any of your comments.