What the fuck is this?

God she was heart sick.  What the fuck was going on?  She was in love with him and told him so a hundred times.  She craved him, needed him, desired him, wanted him and only him.  Maybe he just didn’t give a shit about her and she was boring him.  Maybe, but she doesn’t think so.  She could feel him and knew she is mirroring him as well. 

So, what was happening?  He was stalling and stalling and stalling some more to the point where she wanted to give up on him but her heart wouldn’t let her.  Be patient he says, wait he says.  She told him one of her flaws was her patience.  He probably thought she was being factious but she was serious.  Her constant patience was, in the past, used against her and was another name for doormat.   

She had been sexually active with others even though she was deeply in love with him.  He actually encouraged it.  Why?  It didn’t seem natural.  Even when she told him she had broken it off with the two she had been seeing, he told her to keep looking and keep flirting.  Was this to fill her time and satisfy her sexual desires while she was waiting for him to figure things out, or just so she could tell him about her liaisons for his amusement.

All this off putting was becoming predictable; she knew not to expect anything to come of his words and arrangements.  It was getting to be too much and she was wanting to shut down and cover her head with a blanket. Never, never, never again would she give into weakness and despair.  No, no, no she told herself be strong, do your own thing and to hell with him, find someone else who actually wanted to spend some time with her. But her heart was attached and this chain that connected them could not be broken easily.  In fact, she knew that it would not ever break even if she never saw him again in this life.  She told him she would wait for him forever and she meant what she said. 

What she needed from him was a real conversation and not this texting bullshit where everything could be read a thousand different ways and you were always left guessing as to what was meant and how serious to take it.  She needed face time, skin time, lips touching time, dripping sex time, play time, laughing together time, cuddling time, hugging time, eye to eye time and truth time.  Instead she got wait time and patience time and amuse yourself time.  This was all very confusing and painful for her. 

She waits.

She is patient.

She amuses herself with others.

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

3 thoughts on “What the fuck is this?

  1. “What she needed from him was a real conversation and not this texting bullshit where everything could be read a thousand different ways and you were always left guessing as to what was meant and how serious to take it.”

    Yes, this is so true! Sadly in my case even conversations often turned out to be misinterpreted. But I guess the people weren’t ready yet or I was talking to the wrong one. 🙂

    Thank you for all what you posted, I haven’t read all, but I have seen it was a lot and very deep and personal. Many battles, many thoughts, emotions and feelings.

    We are both still alive, still breathing and fighting together with many others. 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darling J. thank you for your comments on my post, and I appreciate all you have to say. We all go through stuff that harms us but the idea is to get it out of our cells and let it out through the mouth.😁 that is why I am blabbing so much. Maybe soon other more joyous things will be shared and exchanged. Sending you lots of love ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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