Someone recently told her she looked like a nun. This upset her very much because to her a nun was just a body in a habit with no personality, a person that no one looked at closely, a female that couldn’t be classed as a woman. Those five words spoken by someone she was in love with gave her great pause. Who was she really? Did none of her fire show?
Her passion was ablaze within her and was eating her alive. She had contained it within her heart and mind and every one of her cells for an eternity but now it needed to come out and be expressed and shared with someone of equal depth. Was there no one to match her in this dance? Two flames entwined in a fiery exchange, creating but never destroying, building up but not tearing down, forging ahead and never looking back. The mark they together could make in this world could be considerable.
Where was this mate of hers that she was searching for? She had found him finally and he was there but was keeping himself out of her reach. What a torture this was and he didn’t even know the half of it. What was she to him anyway, a toy that is never played with, a sex slave that is never called on to perform, a sweet voice on the phone, a storyteller who could arouse him to release? She could be everything he ever wanted, needed or desired. The only thing she was not was young and maybe this would be her undoing. She had waited too long. She had given herself to ones who only wanted to destroy her and put out her fire.
Her body dripped with longing and desire and need but she would not give herself away any more like she was just a piece of tail to be enjoyed, used and discarded until the next time. Did no one see her true worth. That was her resolve anyway, but constant sexual needs were eating away at all her standards and boundaries. Had she bitten off her nose to spite her face by cutting off all her sexual outlets? The last one she had terminated was hard to do because she really liked him and she also liked the sex they shared, but he was not her mate and never would be. It was a kindness to him and a relief to her to be done with it because there was no point in continuing on that journey with no destination or arrival.
Satisfying herself sexually wasn’t an option anymore either. It was boring. It had been her lifeline, her go to option, but the past was done and she didn’t want to go back to the dark ages. So now what, was the big question with no immediate answer.
The one she loved had outlined a perfect plan that had inspired her and heated her up with anticipation. He had articulated a proposal in which they would have no sexual boundaries with each other and their passion could live and be expressed with abandonment, and then if mutually desired they could introduce others into this perfect mix, others that would know the score, others that wouldn’t be hurt or that wouldn’t hurt her or wouldn’t hurt him, others that could enhance but never lessen what they already had. She wanted this with him but maybe the timing was off. He obviously wasn’t ready to put this into practice or it would have happened already. He was holding himself back and she knew it. He could have had her several times by now and they had only been together once. Maybe she was deluding herself to believe that this fire dance would ever materialise.
So, there she sits alone in her room in her tiny bed made just for one. When she first bought the bed, it was essential that she to be alone finally with her own thoughts and it was a great relief not to have to share her personal space with someone who was abhorrent to her. One who picked at her without stop, demeaned all her ideas and goals, one who tried to get inside her head and gaslight her daily and even during the night as well when all she needed was to be unconscious and away somewhere else in her dreams. Now she wished for a bigger bed to share with her lover. It dawned on her that rightly she couldn’t call the one she loved a lover yet, because he was hardly that. One time does not a lover make.
Damn it all to hell.