Dear Reader: the following transcripts are included here for your amusement and also for you to follow my downward spiral into obsession for the person I call the Devine Masculine. I am still obsessed to some extent in that I feel strong love and an even stronger passion for him on an energetic level, but hopefully the concerned words of dear friends and family will make their way into my consciousness. Really I have been having a good time with this regardless of outward appearances to the contrary. “smiley face”
These notes are not in any chronological order
Random notes written on cash register tape
Hi babe, just talking to you again at my work station. The boring one where I’m just standing and watching a screen while customers serve themselves. It is really okay but prefer to be more mobile and I never went for my morning run like I usually do. Was awake very early and even though I stayed in bed – didn’t get any rest. My nerves are shot from my interaction with DM. Now am just sick to my stomach. What have I got myself into?
Has it been almost 2 weeks since I saw DM? Now there is no more babe to talk to. I cancelled our overnight date at the last minute – not really 3 hours prior. Felt bad about having sex with him and staying over night because I really only wanted DM. He immediately rejected me and said he was going out to find someone to satisfy him. He thought that would hurt me and it did. Should have just gone one more time then ended it.
Sweet, sensitive, caring, empathic, sensual, sexy, demanding, bossy, rough, gentle, powerful, all knowing, amazing DM. Where did you come from and how did we end up here? You excite me even from a distance just with thought. My body is on the verge of orgasm all the time. I’m self igniting but you put me definitely over the edge.
Oh emptiness within what is your source
What is your reason for existence in my life
Food doesn’t fill you or relieve the void
Such agony with no solution
I don’t want to be dependent on a man to fill that void with his attention and affection
When he doesn’t text or call I’m devastated again
What a pitiful thing.
Here I am again looking at my phone to see if he has messaged me to see if I am in his thoughts this day
Afraid to look because the disappointment is palatable
But look anyway and prepare for the pain.
Maybe I like this pain. It is familiar
He wasn’t there, so stop this nonsense Summerhill. You don’t need his words you have your own which are much more powerful. You are all you need. Own it and be filled with yourself. Maybe then a true one will come to you. This DM is not for you. He is very sexy is true.
Not going to have sex with DM again but he is not going away easily. Still texting me but maybe it will come to nothing and he will cool his jets. I still want him though. How can I want both of them. They can not know about each other. I hate this. The phone sex with DM was wild and incredible. Didn’t know I could orgasm so much with no physical contact. So want to be held by those big arms.
If I don’t hear from him for a minute I get heart sick. What’s the matter with me? Hope he is out with his friends having fun and laughing his head off. Hope he is getting drunk and happy. I hope he is happy.
I love him and really don’t expect anything. It is wonderful for me just to have this new feeling. An experience for sure to fall in love. Better late than never. Maybe this is all I can really hope for in my life.
I do want him to be happy but I also want him to want me too. I don’t really want to cry myself to sleep every night. But maybe I do. I like pain and sorrow it helps me grow and pushes me to create. He pushes me to write stories for his pleasure. If he didn’t ask for these stories would I have written them. Maybe not!!
Why do you want me to keep looking and flirting with other cock? Are you going to keep putting me off and never see me and just keep me strung along and satisfied until someday maybe you want me? Quite possibly this is just a game to amuse you at work.
What did she want to do with her master that was taboo? Two men loving her and fucking her together.
What is his deal anyway. He tells me nothing of consequence. Just a strange sex game with no meaning and I’m the willing fool and participant. The only one who will be hurt by it. I feel sick to my heart! I told him I’m in love with him and he says what does that mean to you. So answered: I have no doubts in my mind that I love you but that may scare you so forget I said it. Guess it did scare you. He knows and says he loves me his slut whore wife. (which is not really saying anything)
Is he for real? I do not know. Funny really. I’m running out of time maybe, maybe not. It has been over 2 months since we have seen each other and I’m still waiting. If I don’t see him soon, I’m going to give up and just cry myself sick.
I should just withdraw my energy from him. I have put a lot of energy into him and this connection and felt his pain and depression. Can I give up on him? I might have to.
I promised him that I was his, body, mind and soul. He does take advantage of me but freely offered. Said I was his slut whore wife. Is that what he wants so he does not have to love me really? Makes me very sad that I can’t find what I really want but maybe this is better because I can still be free and be myself.
He said, “who’s been playing with my cunt?” He owns my sex. I belong to him. He is my master. I am his sex slave and submissive. I hope he looks after me and knows I get lonely and need company. Does he realize he has taken me on as his wife? Or is this just a game he is playing? He asked if I would be his slut wife or hot wife and I accepted. Does this constitute any responsibility on his part towards me? Will he protect me? If I offer myself freely to him and always get his permission for any other sexual activity? Does he need to get my approval for his extra sexual activity, or is that not part of it, he can do what he wants while I must always obey him? I am just realizing now what he asked of me!
I am his wife for all intense and purposes. If I am his hot slut wife how come he can abandon me and not let me know when he breaks dates with me? That is so cruel and mean and just plain rude to leave me hanging after we have made arrangements. Last Tuesday we were supposed to meet and it just got forgotten about but he did say he had a doctor’s appointment. Thursday, he has a stress test so probably won’t hear from him. It’s okay because I will be busy anyway a least in the morning. This is really profound for me now that I understand what he was asking me.
He is a player. He does not want a relationship with me. He wants to play with me and therefore with others. He needs me to fulfill his desires.
So, my conclusion is he needs me as bait. Can’t have this life style by himself.