What the Fuck is This – a re-blog

She was blown down by Summerhill Lane

Warning sexual language and content 18+

What the Fuck is This?

Dear loved ones, I haven’t written anything new today.  No erotica, no poetry, no insightful words about life and this twin flame journey.  I have nothing to share.  That is not quite true.  What I wanted to say was that I am questioning now if my DM is really my Divine Masculine, or has he been just a catalyst for change.  Has all his rotten behaviour towards me and the tests he has put me through been only for my soul growth?  All the crying and pain I have experienced because of him, was it only to clear childhood wounds, relationship wounds, lots and lots of wounds?  Is he not coming forward to be with me?  (now I’m crying again at this thought).  I am not feeling him right now in my sacral chakra and haven’t felt him for a few days.  He really is gone.  I miss the feel of him. 

I am reposting an older blog more for my benefit than yours I think, because it reminds me of this ride with him, over and over the same game.  I hope you will enjoy re-reading it, if you are one of the few that read it before, and I hope you also like the art work at the beginning.

I was working on my blog site with a friend yesterday, trying to arrange all the paintings in a gallery format so that you could see them all together, but it is a total mess and now needs to be revisited and straightened out.  I published it anyway as is because I was mind boggled and wanted to stop.  Please check it out again at a later date.  Sorry for the untidiness. 

Love you all very much and thank you for reading and liking my blog and commenting too.  Hugs and Kisses, Summerhill Lane

What the Fuck is This?

Warning sexual language and content 18+

God she was heart sick.  What the fuck was going on?  She was in love with him and told him so a hundred times.  She craved him, needed him, desired him, wanted him and only him.  Maybe he just didn’t give a shit about her and she was boring him.  Maybe, but she doesn’t think so.  She could feel him and knew she is mirroring him as well. 

So, what was happening?  He was stalling and stalling and stalling some more to the point where she wanted to give up on him but her heart wouldn’t let her.  Be patient he says, wait he says.  She told him one of her flaws was her patience.  He probably thought she was being factious but she was serious.  Her constant patience was, in the past, used against her and was another name for doormat.   

She had been sexually active with others even though she was deeply in love with him.  He actually encouraged it.  Why?  It didn’t seem natural.  Even when she told him she had broken it off with the two she had been seeing, he told her to keep looking and keep flirting.  Was this to fill her time and satisfy her sexual desires while she was waiting for him to figure things out, or just so she could tell him about her liaisons for his amusement.

All this off putting was becoming predictable; she knew not to expect anything to come of his words and arrangements.  It was getting to be too much and she was wanting to shut down and cover her head with a blanket. Never, never, never again would she give into weakness and despair.  No, no, no she told herself be strong, do your own thing and to hell with him, find someone else who actually wanted to spend some time with her. But her heart was attached and this chain that connected them could not be broken easily.  In fact, she knew that it would not ever break even if she never saw him again in this life.  She told him she would wait for him forever and she meant what she said. 

What she needed from him was a real conversation and not this texting bullshit where everything could be read a thousand different ways and you were always left guessing as to what was meant and how serious to take it.  She needed face time, skin time, lips touching time, dripping sex time, play time, laughing together time, cuddling time, hugging time, eye to eye time and truth time.  Instead she got wait time and patience time and amuse yourself time.  This was all very confusing and painful for her. 

She waits.

She is patient.

She amuses herself with others.

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

9 thoughts on “What the Fuck is This – a re-blog

  1. She blown down, but not down for the count. She would rise again, and she would somehow miraculously be stronger for it… because she is indeed a strong human being, and she would do more than merely survive. Oh yes, she would!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am relating to this so much right now. Over and over hundreds of times, the same cycle. This time wondering if I’ll ever hear from him again and if he was not my twin flame and only a catalyst for change. Maybe I’ll always wonder and never know. I do know with our last time together 3 months ago, that I would never go back unless he got help. I have to let it go, but it’s so hard to forget, and there’s that part of me that wants to believe he is my twin flame and I wasn’t just crazy. Hope you are getting through it well. I actually feel better than ever but part of me misses him and knows I’ll never meet anyone with that strong of a connection. I don’t want anyone else but can’t be with him, so I move forward making life as good as it can be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes the cycle repeats over and over and it started again today after I had convinced myself that he really was good and I would have to live my life without him. This connection there has never been anything like it ever. It will likely just loop around I nothing again from him.
      Thank you so much for your comments, it means a lot to me to know that I am not going crazy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The last time we were together physically was at the beginning of July. We had been talking and texting and always making arrangements to get together (we live a distance apart). Read played by the player for details. Today he sent me a message that he was coming to see me if “I had been faithful to him”. So I don’t know if he is playing games again.

        Liked by 1 person

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