Setting boundaries and saying no

lily and the butterfly by Summerhill Lane

Setting boundaries learning to say no

Warning language and content may be offensive to some 18+ please

Dear loved ones, I wanted to tell you about the mistake I made two days ago.  I knew it was a mistake when I did it, but I did it anyway.  I was lonely and craving attention, but that is no excuse.

I sent a text message to the “ass man”.  I had put him in a time out which had lasted for 6 months or longer, because he was asking, or strongly hinting, for help financially.  The time out wasn’t just for that.  He was immature.

Once I had cancelled an overnight date with him because he kept changing the meeting time. Can you come over at 7, how about 8, how about 9?  Was I on standby?  He responded that he was going to go out and find someone else to make him happy.  That was all I was to him, someone to make him happy for the moment.  Bye, bye ass man.  I was not allowed to have boundaries or say no to him.

My mistake was forgetting what he was like.  I was not a person to him with feelings and emotions.  I was just a good lay.  Someone who acquiesced.  Never said no.  Had no boundaries.  A woman he could shape to fit his needs. 

We talked on the phone for about an hour and got caught up with his life.  He didn’t ask about mine. (I noticed) I let him talk and he was weaving a life for us after the pandemic was over.  He needed some TLC that only I could provide.  I let him think that I was up for this to start again.  I didn’t say anything really, just let him talk.  He asked if I would text him later.

This gave me time to think and feel. 

The first thing he said to me was Are you ready for me? I understand how being socially isolated makes the wanting and needing of sex paramount in most men’s minds and a good many women’s too, me included. 

I told him that I was feeling very low emotionally because my ex husband was dying and he blew it off like that didn’t matter and I shouldn’t be upset.  ‘you should just get over that and live your own life now’.  

I got angry.  I told him that I was not ready for him and that I was happy being celibate and that I shouldn’t have contacted him. I only wanted to see if he was okay.  Goodbye ass man (I didn’t call him that to his face).

I learned something very important about myself.  I wasn’t treating myself with love and respect.  Setting boundaries.  What is that?  Saying no?  I only knew how to say yes.  I still only want to say yes, but a no now and then sure does feel good.

Thank you for listening to me blab about non important topics.  I love you all very much.  Hugs & kisses, Summerhill Lane

Published by summerhilllane

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11 thoughts on “Setting boundaries and saying no

  1. You should proud of yourself my friend. Saying no to this unhealthy perhaps even extremely unhealthy man (he certainly sounds like it) is a great big step. When I was very young in my 20’s I had a problem with saying yes to friends that were really just taking advantage of me. We must learn not to be codependent in order to love and respect ourselves. This is common with Adult Children of Alcoholics. I am proud of you for taking that first step. If anyone always and only talks about themselves they are not your friend and possible a draining and toxic person. This could be a very positive first step. Have a blessed day and stay safe. Love and hugs Joni

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Dear darling Joni, thank you for your comments. I too am an adult child of an alcoholic (as you may have guessed). This man is self-absorbed (and I think that is an accurate and generous description), yet it has taken me a long time to see him in a clear light and myself too by the same clear light. You have a wonderful day too and stay safe. Lots of love sent to you. Summerhill

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this insofar as I’ve grown up as that person who doesn’t set boundaries and always says ‘yes’ to everything. For me, this was born out of a desire to be accepted and loved by everyone, but it has never been a healthy pattern of behaviour for me. I’d be lying if I said I no longer struggle with this. Like others here, I feel like you made the right decision for sure. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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