I am sick of myself

Alone at night in a canoe by Summerhill Lane

I am sick of myself

Dear loved ones,

I am sick of myself.  I am sick of chasing my divine masculine and sending him messages, which he never responds to in any way.  Sick of my craving for his attention.  Sick of wanting to be loved by someone who doesn’t love me back.

I need to turn this all around and start fresh with someone new, or no one at all.  Why am I so weak?  I lasted 10 years without any affection or love or sexual activity from my second husband.  You would think I would be used to this neglect and just brush it off.

Maybe I fell in love with the wrong divine masculine.  Oh, he has made me heal myself and look deep and purge all the pain and crap hidden inside.  Yes, he has done his job and now I feel brand new and sexy as fuck.   

Yes, I am sick of myself and I think you are getting sick of me too.  All this moaning and groaning about loving someone who is emotionally unavailable.  I will stop now and go back out on the balcony and lay in the sun.  Maybe next time I will have something more worthwhile to say.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

29 thoughts on “I am sick of myself

  1. I hope you enjoyed the sun. It always makes me feel better.
    I can very much relate to what you said here. It’s so hard to crave someone’s attention and not receive it. Harder still when you are so in love with them that a crumb of affection makes you soar for days. It’s not fair to you though. I had to pull back and realize how it was affecting my life. It was one of the lowest points in my life actually- realizing that he would not give me what I needed. But I made it and I feel stronger for it. I don’t know what your solution is since we are all different but I wish you peace about it. ☮️ ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear darling Violette, thank you for your words, they are comforting. Sunshine is such a blessing and it has lifted my spirits considerably. I have been desperate for anything even crumbs from my divine masculine but I know this is not healthy. I promised myself that I would stop all this craving and I fell short again and sent him a love message. This is why I wrote the blog post.
      Wishing you all good and beautiful things and sending you love ❤️ ❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad the sunshine lifted your spirits. And don’t feel bad about falling short. It’s a process and I’m quite sure I stick around much longer than anyone would advise. I need to get to the point of being done though and I can only do that incrementally. It takes time. Be kind to yourself. ❤️❤️ I hope you have sunshine today, wherever you are.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The sun is so healing… I had a full day of it yesterday; worked miracles for my own intermittent self-loathing. You need to love yourself girl, not some loathesome hater; as do we all. Gorgeous, gorgeous art, as always… your visual art is what shines. “Shine on, you crazy diamond…” :))) xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have made me smile and laugh and be happy. Do you know you have this effect on others? Beautiful you. Thank you for your words and you have made my day. Sending you lots of love and sunshine. (emoji heart).

      Liked by 2 people

      1. What a wonderful reply!!!! I can say just the same for you… it is indeed a wonderful world, beautiful Summerhill. (((hug hug hug big sun-warmed smile :)))) xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. When I was young, I chased woman. They ran from me. When I quit chasing woman. They came to me. You are a wonder and a miracle. Sometime we must seek other things and love can find us. Better to be a mystery and if someone don’t pay attention to you. They are not worth your time. I do believe, attention of a lady, a gift.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Peace & Light. You are not alone in your feelings or in your situation. I, too, have a “Him” who speaks to me at His discretion (whether it be a few hours, several days, or a number of weeks).

    His instructions are that I am to be who I am and do what I feel inspired to do because anything I do outside of Him correcting me is what I’m supposed to do. He even said whether He responds or not, my continuous messages to Him lets Him know how much I want Him to know about my day/life and that if He wanted me to stop, He’d instruct me to do so.

    I always overthink it when more than a few days go by, though, and I realize I’ve been messaging Him every 2 hours of every day for nearly a week!

    It does get tough, especially when my body is calling for Him and He is being silent. So, I remind myself of what I want and I indulge myself in thoughts of times I spent with Him that I’ve enjoyed. This is usually really good at distracting me long enough that it seems no time at all has passed when I hear from Him again.

    Alas, my situation is not yours and that is not lost on me. I hope you experience everything you desire. You deserve it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear darling Megan, what you have been going through is very similar. The messaging and the needing to communicate is incredibly strong and it is hard to bare when there is no reply for weeks. I too pray that you will receive and experience only the very best things in this relationship and in your life. Sending you lots of love ❤️

      Like

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