Birthday Blues

circle of life by Summerhill Lane
Alone with the trees on her birthday by Summerhill Lane

Birthday Blues

Dear loved ones,

Well today is my birthday (May 9, 2020).  I don’t care for my birthday all that much because I don’t like the number I am turning.  It is only a number, right?  But it is a high number and I don’t like it.  It does not match my presentation.  What a vain person I have become.

Because I was raised in a religion that did not celebrate birthdays, and continued in same until I divorced my 1st husband, the idea of anyone caring that I was born, is a new thing.  It has dawned on me that this idea that a child is not important and their birth is not celebrated, leads to low-self worth issues.  It has certainly affected me in this way which has carried over into my relationships with men. 

The following is my confession to you.  I need to clear the air with you my loved ones.

My divine masculine does not even know when my birthday is, nor did he ask.  He knows my age and asked me to conceal it when I was on-line looking for a female lover.  He wanted me to attract a younger woman to bring with me to his bed?  This makes me sick to my stomach now to think on it.  I did put up a profile on a dating site geared to women, and I did make my age a little younger than I was (sorry, I am not proud).  My divine masculine told me what age to use, and what to say in my profile.  (I always did everything he told me to do like a good slave and submissive).  He had such power over me that I would do anything for his love and approval. 

This very act of searching for a female lover and making myself into a bi-sexual goddess for my DM caused a mental and physical crash.  I was very sick for weeks.  Always willing to do whatever he asked.  The sexual relationships I had were all encouraged by him except one, the first one.  I wrote about the first man I was with sexually in a few of my posts, he was the first after about eleven years of celibacy.  The sex was awesome (maybe because I was sex starved), and he was caring although not welcoming.  Perhaps he wanted to keep me a secret from his family.  He is not married but has children living at home with him.

Last night I met with, (I will call him Mr. Three, since he was my 3rd sexual partner counting my two husbands).  I am quite the innocent.  Smiley face.  He was the one that introduced me to anal sex which I quite like as it turns out.  Another smiley face.  It was so good to see him.  I had missed him.  We talked and had coffee and no hanky panky because of social distancing, but got re-acquainted.  He asked me if I had been seeing anyone and I told the partial truth, and that I was happy to be celibate.  (the happy part is the lie).  He was probably asking if I had been with anyone sexually since we were together and I didn’t want to answer that.  I had been with 2 others but I didn’t want him to know. The truth is I have not been sexually active since February of this year.  I promised DM that I would be only for him and would keep my legs closed.  He also promised me that we would be a couple and would see each other one or two times a week.    

Nothing has happened.  We have not seen each other even once since he has asked me to be exclusive.  Hardly any text messages, no phone calls.  Nothing.  Of course, I was forever sending him love messages au nauseum. 

I should stop here as this is turning into a whinny blubbering post.  Thank you so very much for being with me on my birthday, it is wonderful to have so many friends and loved ones.  I love you, Summerhill Lane  

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

52 thoughts on “Birthday Blues

  1. Happy Birthday! May 9th is one of my favorite days, what a beautiful day for a birthday. Spoil yourself today you deserve it and you deserve to be loved =) Age is just a number you are beautiful inside and out!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I like the tree painting. I’m a little envious of being among trees. For exercise we’ve been walking in the large parking lot across the street in the blazing heat. It’s concrete heat island punishment. It would be cruel to force prisoners to get hteir exercise that way.

    Happy Birthday! This is a rough time to have one. I play down my birthdays so much I’ve managed to skip a few entirely. Somehow that doesn’t stop the clock ticking.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for commenting on my birthday post Eric. Yes, I am very luck here to have the trees and the walking parks close by. Sometimes I can walk for hours on the paths and it feels like I live in the country and not a large city like Toronto.
      Maybe a few of us don’t want to think about the tick tock of the clock. Sending you love.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t need a birthday to enjoy. Enjoy all the days of life. Today, keep all the worries aside and make up your mind to a happy mood.
    Happy birthday.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. What a truthful post… some parts heartbreaking to read, but it makes your story very understandable… this was not a healthy way to be treated. I don’t know if it’s a “divine masculine,” seems like someone deeply insecure, and belittling others to elevate himself. And personally I don’t get the whole anal-sex thing (unless for male gays), but to each their own I guess. :))

    I’m so glad you’re away from this person now. Stay strong gal. You are the divine one here. Would he have written such a self-honest post? And so compassionate? Highly doubt it. You’re the shining heart-light. Keep shining. Your story might help others who need to break free.

    And… OMG!!!! Happy birthday dear SummerHill!!!!! 🎉🙌🌷💕🎂🌻 In my mind I am singing Happy Birthday to you, plus putting on the Beatle’s Birthday Song super loud on the stereo, and having a mini-dance party. Sending love. 🤗🙏💛🎶🎉🧡🙏💃🏼👯‍♂️

    Like

  5. What a truthful post… some parts heartbreaking to read, but it makes your story very understandable… this was not a healthy way to be treated. I don’t know if it’s a “divine masculine,” seems like someone deeply insecure, and belittling others to elevate himself.

    I’m so glad you’re away from this person now. Stay strong gal. You are the divine one here. Would he have written such a self-honest post? And so compassionate? Highly doubt it. You’re the shining heart-light. Keep shining. Your story might help others who need to break free.

    And… OMG!!!! Happy birthday dear SummerHill!!!!! 🎉🙌🌷💕🎂🌻 In my mind I am singing Happy Birthday to you, plus putting on the Beatle’s Birthday Song super loud on the stereo, and having a mini-dance party. Sending love. 🤗🙏💛🎶🎉🧡🙏💃🏼👯‍♂️

    [p.s. Trying to send this again (last comment lost in ether…)]

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh Lia, you are a true soul sister. Thank you for kindness and love.
      I love the Beatles birthday song!!!! and I can hear you singing along. You are adorable. Sending you lots of love ❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. p.s.s The art… the art… it’s so amazing, as always… seriously. They almost need posts of their own to be fully appreciated. The heartfelt words compete… but perhaps together they’re complete. :))

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Happy birthday, dear Summerhill!! I had no idea my poem might coincide with your birthday! Let me slowly slide off the ribbon and give you virtually that gift. Kisses and hugs and love to you on your birthday! 😘😘🤗🤗🌹🌹

    Liked by 3 people

  7. It was hard to read, full of truths and longings.
    I know someone who did not celebrate their birthdays due to childhood and recognise that link with low self esteem, a thing that is hard to come back from. I wish you a happy Tuesday in this case and hope that you found some enjoyment in it. As for your age, well we only act our age twice in our life, at the beginning and at the end, the rest of the time it gets a bit fuzzy. I know overly serious young people and a 65 year old who has yet to ‘grow up’. The age you are is alive and how your life works for you is up to you. Present yourself how you wish to and as for vain, so? Aren’t we all a little? Is vanity bad in and of itself?

    Take care of your self Ms Lane.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand, since I started this journey with divine masculine and before that escaped from a narcissistic abuser, I have been on a slow breakdown. It is getting better though. This blog and people like you are helping me very much. Thank you and sending you love ❤️

        Like

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