Dear loved ones,
Well today is my birthday (May 9, 2020). I don’t care for my birthday all that much because I don’t like the number I am turning. It is only a number, right? But it is a high number and I don’t like it. It does not match my presentation. What a vain person I have become.
Because I was raised in a religion that did not celebrate birthdays, and continued in same until I divorced my 1st husband, the idea of anyone caring that I was born, is a new thing. It has dawned on me that this idea that a child is not important and their birth is not celebrated, leads to low-self worth issues. It has certainly affected me in this way which has carried over into my relationships with men.
The following is my confession to you. I need to clear the air with you my loved ones.
My divine masculine does not even know when my birthday is, nor did he ask. He knows my age and asked me to conceal it when I was on-line looking for a female lover. He wanted me to attract a younger woman to bring with me to his bed? This makes me sick to my stomach now to think on it. I did put up a profile on a dating site geared to women, and I did make my age a little younger than I was (sorry, I am not proud). My divine masculine told me what age to use, and what to say in my profile. (I always did everything he told me to do like a good slave and submissive). He had such power over me that I would do anything for his love and approval.
This very act of searching for a female lover and making myself into a bi-sexual goddess for my DM caused a mental and physical crash. I was very sick for weeks. Always willing to do whatever he asked. The sexual relationships I had were all encouraged by him except one, the first one. I wrote about the first man I was with sexually in a few of my posts, he was the first after about eleven years of celibacy. The sex was awesome (maybe because I was sex starved), and he was caring although not welcoming. Perhaps he wanted to keep me a secret from his family. He is not married but has children living at home with him.
Last night I met with, (I will call him Mr. Three, since he was my 3rd sexual partner counting my two husbands). I am quite the innocent. Smiley face. He was the one that introduced me to anal sex which I quite like as it turns out. Another smiley face. It was so good to see him. I had missed him. We talked and had coffee and no hanky panky because of social distancing, but got re-acquainted. He asked me if I had been seeing anyone and I told the partial truth, and that I was happy to be celibate. (the happy part is the lie). He was probably asking if I had been with anyone sexually since we were together and I didn’t want to answer that. I had been with 2 others but I didn’t want him to know. The truth is I have not been sexually active since February of this year. I promised DM that I would be only for him and would keep my legs closed. He also promised me that we would be a couple and would see each other one or two times a week.
Nothing has happened. We have not seen each other even once since he has asked me to be exclusive. Hardly any text messages, no phone calls. Nothing. Of course, I was forever sending him love messages au nauseum.
I should stop here as this is turning into a whinny blubbering post. Thank you so very much for being with me on my birthday, it is wonderful to have so many friends and loved ones. I love you, Summerhill Lane