Warning language and content may offend some 18+ please
Just a fuck friend
Dear loved ones,
Hello. Good evening. It was a very cold day today and a bit on the rainy side but this never stopped me from going out for a couple of brisk walks / runs with Gibson leading the way. He is a small dog yet he pulls me like he is the lead dog of a team of huskies. What a funny little fellow.
What is going on with the weather? It has been snowing off and on for a few days now. Nothing has accumulated on the ground though, but it is very odd. The weather has never been this cold in Toronto this time of year for about 20 years. My mind goes to weather manipulation to keep it cold so the virus won’t die, conspiracy theory stuff. I hate that counter intelligence word ‘conspiracy theory’. If a person raises a reasonable observation, they can be hushed with just that phrase conspiracy theorist or tin foil hat. Ha ha.
Anyway, I wanted this blog to be about being just a fuck friend. I was one of those. Maybe I still am. I like to fuck because I have been denied this pleasure for way too many years. It is not just the physical aspect but the whole of it beginning with foreplay of the mind. My mind needs to be engaged first and aroused before even our lips meet.
Do I like being just a fuck friend, or a friend with benefits? My answer is no.
When I first met Mr. Three, who I spoke about in ‘Birthday Blues’, we were on the same wave length and had similar opinions on politics, religion, world events, etc. He was kind of a rebel just like me, I got him and he got me. The physical connection was there although not terribly strong at least for me anyway. He was good to me but did not treat me as his partner. I was just someone who came to see him once in awhile for a good fucking. He never introduced me to his children, or his family. I don’t think he even told anyone about me. I was upset about this because I wanted a loving relationship. I wanted to belong. He told me not to get so upset, just enjoy and relax in what is. In other words, shut up and enjoy a good shagging. I always think of Austin Powers when I use the word shagging. He is very funny.
I ended it with him finally because I wanted to be loved and not just screwed.
This pattern has continued with others. Is this what I am projecting and thus receiving? I do not respect and value myself?
Mr. Three has asked me to start up again with him when this covid19 is over. He is a busy man and has his children at home with him, but he said he would be more consistent with treating me as a partner. He hasn’t done very well so far. Today, he promised to spend some time with me, either just talking on the phone, or come over and go for another walk. He sent me a text at noon saying he would get a hold of me after lunch. It is 9pm and I still haven’t heard from him. I am super sensitive about this kind of thing now. He will likely have a good reason, but I am already turned off. He doesn’t keep his promises.
Tell me if I am sounding like a teenage girl going through her shit? I am really just wanting my divine masculine and I have said goodbye to him.
Thank you again for listening to me and reading this post. If you haven’t bothered, that is okay too. I love you. Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane