Losing my religion

Boat graveyard by Summerhill Lane

Losing My Religion

Dear loved ones,

It is a beautiful sunny and warm day here in Toronto Canada.  Perfect weather for suntanning on my balcony.  I love it.  Today I am wearing a bikini because my daughter is also suntanning and she said she doesn’t want to look at my boobs while we are having a conversation.  I get it, just weird and funny too.  I prefer to be in the nude though. 

I got thinking that I have not mentioned anything about my first husband in this blog and how there is a big gap in my personal story.  Everything fits together like a big jigsaw puzzle and all the pieces were necessary.  Let’s call my first husband Cleve for reference, although that is not his name. 

Cleve and I married young, he was 19 and I was 20.  We were both virgins on our wedding night.  He hung out in the bathroom for 2 hours afraid to come out and be with me, that is how shy he was and inexperienced.  I didn’t have a clue either so I hid under the covers.  Isn’t this sweet.  Smiley face.

We finally got together and had 3 babies, one right after the other.  So, Cleve is the father of my 3 children and I didn’t have any children with my second husband although I wanted another one just to cement the relationship.  It didn’t happen as it turned out.  He was too old for this responsibility and he had already had his children from his first marriage. 

Cleve and I belonged to and were raised in a religious organization that was cult like (but aren’t they all) and it completely controlled our lives and influenced everything we did and every thought we had.  They had their noses in our bedroom too. 

Cleve was a pretty good husband but he was way too immature and self-centered.  To be polite, he had the emotional maturity of a 2-year-old.  In fact, he was known to lie on the floor and kick his feet like a spoiled brat when things didn’t go his way.  In our religion the man is the head of the family and makes all the important decisions and his wife (me) had to listen and follow her head and be subservient and obedient.  As you can well imagine this didn’t go over too well with me.  It was not possible or logical or reasonable to keep supressing myself into this mould. 

I became very ill and was dying.  I lost 40 lbs and was thin to begin with.  I almost lost the battle to live.  My children were the only ones worth living for.

The doctor’s fought hard to save my life and I finally let them help me.  I had been brainwashed to believe that god didn’t want me to save myself by accepting a blood transfusion.  The night before a major surgery, my doctor spoke to me and said that I may not live during the operation and maybe would not see my children again, was I really sure of my stand on not accepting a blood transfusion.  I told the doctor that I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to leave my children without their mother and please do what you need to do to save my life, but do not let my husband know or do not even let me know.  I signed all the necessary papers.

I do not know for a fact if I received a blood transfusion and not a word have I spoken about this until a few days ago when I told my daughter this secret, and now I am telling you.

That day, quite a few years ago now, was the day I lost my religion.

Thank you for reading my blog post today.  I love you all very much and am confident that you will understand my decision.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

46 thoughts on “Losing my religion

  1. Oh my God. Your life is really interesting. I would read your biography forever. It’s like…dramatic and also yet weighted down in reality, your emotions, and your recognition of your experiences. Dude. Your daughter must have been like “Hell yeah, tell me another one.” With your life having so many twists and turns, did it feel just like a normal every other day in the life of @summerhilllane, or did you know that things were crumbling bit by bit and not okay? Weight does tend to be that one thing that cries help when everything’s not fine. I helped me realize I had an eating disorder 😶 It helped me realize that…I was…not okay. Even if I wanted to make myself believe I was. Thanks for sharing your story. I did not think I’d read anything that swiftly and yet I did because once I started, my eyes grew a brain of their own. Thanks for being brave and telling us things you once never told anyone. I love blogging. It helps us do that. Yeah. Religion. Cults. It all makes sense now why my own religious life felt like a trap. Now I just do it without the church 😏

    Ah, here’s your hugs for the day 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Dear darling thank you for your comments. I am glad you liked reading my blabbing about past events that needed to be released. Since I have been on this journey with my divine masculine (even though he is not part of my life), I have been triggered to reveal and release all past trauma. Thank you for listening to me today. Sending you so much love and kisses.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, I’m so glad you’re great now.

    I could somehow related to your story with your first husband. I married at age 26, but have the maturity of a rebellious teen. It was only in my late 20’s, early 30’s that I started wisening up. It took a baby, two failed relationships, a clinical depression, and a general anxiety diagnosis to change my life around. And despite all the difficulties, I can proudly say that I am exactly where I wanted to be…

    Cheers to you dear! 🍸

    And oh, I’d love to get in the nude! Ha! (Just kidding…) 😉

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you darling Mr. A. for your comments on this post and also for sharing your life as well. Maturing is an ongoing process and I do not hold it against my first husband as he was doing the best he could for what he knew at the time. I am sure it is much the same for you. Sending you lots of love. an emoji heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. What strength to have survived such an ordeal and to be where you are now. A strong, beautiful, and independent woman. I know you spoke of your alienation from your family and religious differences but I didn’t realize you’d been trapped in a cult situation. I am so proud of you for getting out. I married at 19. At the time I didn’t understand how young I was but I realize now I was essentially a child or barely more than a child. It’s really strange to think about it.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Thank you for sharing this with us. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I too was married around then, though I was 19. I stayed married for twenty years but we’ve been divorced for some years now. We remain friendly though I wouldn’t say we are friends, as we live about 3,000 Miles apart. That’s okay though. It wasn’t a terrible marriage but I needed to move ahead with my life. We all have such interesting stories to tell and of what I know of yours, mine and yours resemble one another here and there. So I understand or at least relate to much of what you share.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you Tara for your comments and for reading my post today. We all go through so much in our lives, and it is just the nature of life and living to have experiences good and bad or mediocre. Sending you lots of love. emoji heart

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank goodness you allowed the blood transfusion. Or thank GOD (good orderly direction, as Julia Cameron calls it). I am so glad you are alive today. Religion is very uncool at times. Not my thing either. Of all of them, I like zen buddhism best (“the religion for the non-religious”). ;)) Hugs. Your art is amazing, and I love that you titled this piece in the frame; you should also sign it, for sure. Every single piece of it. xoxoxo

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Dear darling Lia, thank you for your comments on my post and for liking my art. Yes I should start signing them. The last few I have painted I signed with the letter S.
      Sending you lots of love and kisses ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are so welcome. :))
        I know how it is… for me it’s like, what name, what style etc? How much name? Lol. but when I look at others’ work, it’s so clear. :))

        Liked by 2 people

    2. I wanted to comment on your poetry ‘Diamondless Mind ‘.
      My god you have read me and my situation with my divine masculine. I felt most alive with him even with the pain of it. Was he my demon or my angel or both?
      I love your poetry so very much. Thank you ❤️

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you… I did not mean to read your situation… :)) I think it’s how I feel about writing, and about writing communities. Or how I feel about co-dependent love in general… not one particular, imaginary musing flame. Or maybe I’m just white-lying to myself again. Hard to say. But I’m super glad you could relate… and I think there is a bit of angel and demon… in all of us. :)) Hugs, and thank you so much ❤️

        Liked by 3 people

      2. You have a way of seeing things that brings perfection to them… and I can’t tell you how grateful I am in this moment for that. Truly. Means a lot to me. 🌷

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Sending hugs and strength
    I come from a religious background. I can’t say all religions are like that. I definitely feel like it’s the cult within the culture. What I’ve learned is that it’s in all cultures in different ways. Not saying I accept it 🙂 just a thought.
    I’m glad you are here….
    Love, light and glitter

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s amazing to love life and all that it has to give so much. Others have taken the decision at the crossroads to end it, and you @summerhilllane took it to continue and even…better it, with much more realization in hand to boot. I wonder what people think, and if life flashes before their eyes, when they decide to move on. I’m not sure. But indeed, your future flashed before you and you grabbed it before it could fade away. I feel that maybe you are doing that with you life now, everyday. 🙂 ❤ Be blessed in that journey, blessed from the energy that drives us all. ^o^ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Jonathan, thank you for reblogging my post today. I also appreciate your attached comment. There was a young woman in Canada fairly recently that was in the hospital having a baby and her husband and the religious elders (same religion) surrounded her constantly so she wouldn’t accept a blood transfusion. She did die and her baby was left without a mother. I am glad those enforcers were not there the day I made my decision. They had been around before but for some reason I was alone. Thank god. 😁❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Glad you survived and appreciate hearing your story. Boy we all have some version of crazy in our past with that pain thrown in. We love you just the way you are and God does too. You can always call on him he is still there. You got mixed up with some unhealthy people who used religion as a way to control everyone is not like that I can assure you my sweet friend. Love, hugs and prayers Joni

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Religion???
    It’s for some,
    It’s for none
    It’s confusing
    Thanks for sharing the influence it has had on your life.
    Also, thanks for filling my head with the vision of your naked body under the hot sun ☀️ yum 😋💋

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Glad you made it and that you are still here, Summerhill. Although, I can fully understand how being under the leadership of a head of household who lies on the floor and kicks his feet might not exactly instill confidence in one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Knightsreich, thank you for your comments on my post. I did try very hard to be under his leadership but it was not possible. I know we were both doing the best we could under the circumstances and I do not blame him in anyway. Sending you love ❤️

      Like

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