I tried to kill myself once

painted turtle by Summerhill Lane

I tried to kill myself once

Dear loved ones,

I have been dreaming about writing this blog post all night long and the thing that has been foremost in my heart has been my divine masculine.  I really am sorry for talking about him au nauseum.  I can’t help it. 

There are several men around who I have seen in the past and been sexually active with (not at the same time, although that might have been very interesting), who I could take up with again if I felt like it, just to have some man handling (as one very dear person on this blogging platform termed it) and some attention.  I am craving attention and affection. 

Maybe I am not doing this journey right.  The format is like this according to many others:

  • Meet your masculine (or feminine) some don’t even have to meet them in the physical
  • Intense and immediate bonding called ‘bubble love’.  For me this was the love of my life, so intense sexually and spiritually.  Overwhelming and somewhat debilitating because I couldn’t function in the 3D world and I would do anything to be with this person, even sell my soul.  The 5D connection is powerful between the two and telepathic communication occurs.   
  • One person runs because the connection is too intense and not understandable. In my case, and in most cases, this is the masculine who runs away or shuts down.
  • The other person chases (usually the feminine), because this is the love she has been waiting for her whole life and she can’t lose him.
  • The feminine chases and expresses her love for the masculine and the masculine gets quiet and shuts down emotionally.
  • The runner stops running when the chaser stops chasing.
  • Both trigger each other and there are a lot of tears and heartache.  Everything that hurt you in the past is also being cried about.  It is very painful.
  •  Surrender occurs or some call it an allowing phase.  Separation and no communication.  This is where I am at.  I got tired of crumbs and no communication from divine masculine.  He would not or could not tell me his situation or if we were ever going to see each other again.  I didn’t give up on him but I just let go and allowed him to be.
  • Finally, union and a coming together.  Maybe.  It doesn’t always happen and both people continue on their own paths but they are better for having experienced this. 

So, dear loved ones, I am allowing or surrendering.  I cannot make divine masculine do anything; he has to be the one to kick start this.  I am okay really and happy.  Just needing some ‘man handling’.  I love that expression and it makes me laugh out loud. 

The title is true.  I did try to kill myself once.  I am ashamed that I sunk that low and saw no other way out of a situation.  This happened when I was just married to my second husband.  I will talk about it on this blog someday soon.  This is something that I never told anyone about but I want to tell you and it’s time I talked about it.  My husband knew, but he is gone now.

Thank you for reading my blog post today.  I love you very much.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

32 thoughts on “I tried to kill myself once

  1. If one has never contemplated suicide, even dwelt in that dismal grey landscape–for weeks if not years–then you haven’t opened your mind’s eye to the futility of existence and the knowledge that the Universe is Absurd. If you are such a person then we cannot be friends.

    Knowing this, and knowing we now exist on /this side/ of that nihilistic line, all I can say is good choice.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Only the BEST people contemplate suicide.
        The fact that you attempted the act, in my book, only means you REALLY contemplated it.
        Like Yoda says: “Do or do not, there is no try.”

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This was fascinating to read! Surprising based on the title… but in a good way. I have not read about this masculine/feminine divine relationship thing laid out like this before. Very helpful for understanding your other posts better. :)) Hugs. 💖 xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Lia, I never heard a thing about this twin flame journey before I met my divine masculine. If anyone would have told me I would have thought they were exaggerating or a bit woo woo in the head. It has been the most heart expanding intensely sexual experience of my life. No other love relationship comes close.
      Thank you for reading and being so supportive. Sending you lots of love ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. First and foremost beautiful your beautiful and strong and amazing ❤🤗 second I have been married twice and left both long screwed story lol 😆 third I am like you, ( love man handling) so bring it baby 🤣🤣🤣 anyway props to you and love and hugs and kisses…stay real because the real you is beautiful baby 😉😘

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve shared some links with you in the past. I must say, I personally believe the divine masculine/feminine are projections from our soul of an ideal (your perfect mate) and it is impossible for a mortal to sustain the projection of another’s soul indefinitely. They do for a while but this is an illusion. The intensity is too much for a person to hold. They burn out and run. Celebrate the divine masculine as an abstract spiritual being within you through your art and writing. Put a splash of it on a real man in small doses. I say this with the utmost tenderness and observation of your struggle with this guy (divine masculine). He’s “just a man” and has his flaws like all of us along with day-to-day challenges and other interests. I share this because I’ve learned the hard way and have searched high and wide for answers to a cycle that repeated in my life and in those of others who found love “like no two have ever known before” only to see it crash and burn over time. I won’t bring it up again but just wanted to share it one more time. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Michael, yes you are right of course. It is the soul or spiritual aspect of divine masculine that I have been connecting with and he with me. The 3D reality cannot sustain this ‘illusion ‘ for long. Maybe the whole point of this connection was to blow open my heart to make me a more loving person.
      Thank you for your comments, I am always learning from you. Please do not hold back. 😁
      Sending you lots of love ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I love the turtle you painted, all the colors.

    I have struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my life and once in highschool I took some of my stepdad’s heart medication. It had some scary effects but no one ever found out. Shortly after I broke down in front of my mom screaming “I am so alone” over and over. It’s horrible place to be.

    When I was a child I didn’t grow up in a healthy/loving environment the years when my parents were together were the worst. So I used to go door to door asking people for their stories. I met an elderly couple. The man was pretty healthy but his wife had had several strokes among other things. She couldn’t talk and was in a wheel chair with limited to no mobility. He would read novels to her on the porch in the morning sun, talk to her about anything and everything, hold her hands, kiss her cheeks. At the time I had never seen love/received love (as my mom says it took her a long time to love me), I had never seen a man show such tenderness and respect to a woman, and I knew in that moment love existed and good men existed. I didn’t have love but knowing it was possible to love and be loved in that way had a profound impact on my life. No relationship is without issue. No doubt they fought, no doubt they cried/suffered loss/got on each other’s nerves but through it all they loved. They didn’t even need words to talk I know they communicated telepathically. The TF experience is intense and I believe part of the mindgame/cat and mouse aspect comes from having not fully done the spiritual prepatory bits. Both parties need to build those foundations. I don’t totally grasp Mel’s videos but he said something about the integration of the 12 chakras. I think our energies need to be aligned first within and then tuned to each other. It takes time but people want what they want right away. Also you have to drop your previous relationship conditioning. I sometimes get caught up in the steps and in confirming the journey by comparing my journey to other people’s journeys. When you compare there is a danger of losing track of the fact that each journey is totally unique.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear beautiful poet, thank you for telling me about your life. I appreciate your openness about this. I am sure the older couple you spent time with had a tf relationship before we ever heard that term. I think soon that label will be no more anyway. It is a journey for sure and a beautiful one and I for one am so happy to have experienced something so profound. It is a real blessing. I am already almost a completely different person than I was when I was married to the narcissist husband. You are on a personal journey with your divine masculine and no one’s else is like it but it is somewhat helpful to hear other’s experiences so that you know you are not going out of your mind. Ha ha.
      Sending you lots of love. ten emoji hearts.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It does help yes! I do believe that couple had that type of relationship because I have never felt that sort of love emanating from two people. I have seen people in love of course (happy, beautiful, touching love) but this was different, they had something beyond love. Like they had a special aura that as a child I could actually see. Before this whole journey I kept getting this image in my head that I would literally walk into someone, like a ghost, like we would merge together. I kept saying that’s crazy you can’t do that but the idea persisted. Believe me I know about crazy haha


  6. I am so very happy that u survived and are still here with us. Otherwise I couldn’t have told u about the being “handled”. I knew u were lonesome from ur posting….I am unsatisfied with wasted time on someone who didnt deserve any of my time(see my last posting for explanation). U r human and have needs doll. Dont ever be ashamed or disappointed with urself. Ur an amazing lady😉 Much love to u🥰💜

    Liked by 1 person

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