I don’t know what I am doing any more

mother at Scarborough Bluffs by Summerhill Lane

I don’t know what I am doing anymore

Dear loved ones,

I just got home from spending a few days at a cottage beside a lake (actually a river that runs into a lake).  It was fun jumping into the cool water off the dock and swimming and hanging out around a camp fire at night.  It was very nice, but all the time I was there I felt lonely.  I have been lonely for my divine masculine for a long time.  He is the reason why I started writing this blog.  I was trying to figure out why he appeared in my life and why this connection with him has shaken me to my core.  Now that he has disappeared how will I cope. 

Should I even keep blogging? 

Do I have anything left to say? 

I want to write erotica but it won’t come.

 I want to be poetic but it bores. 

There is nothing left to cry over and there is everything to cry over.

 I don’t know what I am doing anymore. 

Thank you for listening to me moan and groan and not in any delightful sensual way.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

25 thoughts on “I don’t know what I am doing any more

  1. If you ache, ache through words, through art.
    If you long, make us believe.
    If you suffer, so must we.
    If you stop why would you think you couldn’t someday start anew?
    Then again, why must you do anything?
    What hidden rules of what strange game do you believe you play?
    You are the game and the rules are yours.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You are right of course, the best art, poetry and writing comes out of despair. I sometimes get tired of all my bellyaching about my longing for divine masculine, and I have thought you as well were tired of hearing all about it. This is my game and my rules as you have kindly pointed out. Thank you, and you are more than kind. Sending you lots of love.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Seems for some, certain relationships have such an impact that we just never quite get over them. For me, it was a French woman with whom I had a five-year relationship in my twenties. Even after having had several relationships post this particular relationship, including the ultimate relationship with my life partner of 32 years, I still feel like this one relationship – the one that got away – is unfinished business. And, I believe it was unfinished business for her as well as for me. 

    Eventually, too much water passes under the bridge to make ever getting together again an untenable fantasy, as the time you spend apart changes the both of you. This can even happen in just a very few years. Still, decades pass and one still pines for what might have been.  

    A quote of my own goes as follows:

    “When we wish for that, which once was, and we long for a life, which might have been, we become acutely aware that we now live on the other side of what had once been our future. Here we dwell with our memories, and live with fantasies of things that will never be.” ~Manfred

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Inspiration is always within us and around us. Some of my best work has been created through blocks. Writer’s block is a sign of an emotional blockage not of a lack of ideas. There are feelings within you are afraid to explore/express. My solution is to write until those feelings come out. It’s painful but in the end you will find it both cathartic and productive. If you can’t or really don’t want to write paint or dance. Just feel your feelings, give them an outlet, and you will find that your spirits lift in no time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear beautiful poet, you are not only a very talented poet and writer, but are also wise. I will follow your advice and dance with the trees and start painting again (I haven’t done a painting in a few weeks). Thank you 🙏. Sending you lots of love ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Your art is so incredible… this piece included… just wow… and I’ve been loving the way you blog your process. You’re doing perfectly just as you are! Your beauty shines from afar. I love reading your soul, you’re like a tender star. 😍🌟💕

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This feeling of not knowing and feeling alone also got into me several times, but in my case it was about intuition. When I follow my intuition I usually don’t know for sure where I am going or why I am doing something, but it usually turned out to be good in a way or at least I learned something. It could be that your intuitive part / intuition tries to tell you something in a way. I hope you feel less lonely around here with all the people who love you and what you are doing. 🙂 Have a wonderful day! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  6. No please keep writing. This “so” has u spinning internally. I explained a little to u about this damn narcissism. It is real. At least for us. These soul stealer monsters do this all the time. They drop us like a hot potatoe and just carry on like nothing happened. They treat us so very disrespectfully by just leaving or ghosting us standing there wondering what happened. The day mine ghosted me I saw him here on word corresponding with another woman with 💋❤. I was devastated. But if they treat us like this we have enough respect for ourselves to say no more ….right? It’s been tough but I realized it was all a fasade. So how could I fall for someone who doesnt even exist? It’s a made up person? That’s the most confusing part my dear Summer🌻 I’m here if u want to chat doll. Ur not alone

    Liked by 1 person

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