Being in a Holding Pattern
Dear loved ones,
It is interesting how I have changed my outlook on my behaviour. I did something yesterday that I would normally feel guilty about and beat myself up about and call myself terrible names of shame. None of this internal dialogue took place.
As I mentioned previously Mr. Three and I had renewed our previous connection, well he had asked me if I wanted to start again and I said yes. We haven’t actually started anything and it has been a couple of months since he asked. Oh, there has been conversations back and forth, texts, emojis, phone calls, recorded video messages, etc., but not the real thing.
So, I naturally was getting impatient and annoyed. I messaged him:
“Why did you ask me to be your girlfriend and then we never see each other? I hate being in a holding pattern. This sucks!”
His response was that he didn’t understand, and “you know that I am busy this time of year”. Then, “maybe we can go for coffee tomorrow”.
Well, not a word from him about this coffee date. Not a word. I still haven’t heard from him. I am guessing that he is a little annoyed at me for saying anything.
I have been getting needy again. I hate that feeling. I do not need anyone to take care of me or support me or tell me what to do or how to do it. What I do want is some physical contact and affection and of course you guessed it, sex. Not just sex, but a loving connection.
A friend of mine, who I have written about on this blog and called him Mr. Too Big to Satisfy (you may understand the reference) has continually been asking me to get together with him. I had friend zoned him. Yesterday I drove to see him at his place. Our time together was very nice and I got petted and loved up. Just what the doctor ordered. He is still too big to satisfy sadly, but he had fun anyway and so did I. He was needing some loving too apparently. I asked him to rate our congress and he gave it a 7. I would have given it a 5. Smiley face.
I do not feel guilty in the least about this. How refreshing. I will not be kept in a holding pattern for anyone anymore. Fuck that. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed and not to be sitting around waiting for someone to finally decide it is the perfect time to fit me into their life. I just want to swear. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you! Sorry. That is being directed at Mr. Three who has left me on hold for way to long. I guess you can tell that I am angry. Ha ha.
It is my fault for accepting bread crumbs from divine masculine too, but I am not angry at him anymore. I just won’t accept his disregard. I still feel him with me and he is never far from my thoughts but I will not be on a holding pattern again, even for him.
Thank you for listening and reading my post today. It makes me very happy to know that you are here for me and I also am here for you. I love you. Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane