Why am I still writing this blog?

Andy and his dummies by Summerhill Lane

Why am I still writing this blog?

Dear friends, loved ones,

It is a very warm and muggy day today and it has been like this for the last few weeks.  I am wilting and being lethargic.  The days are drifting by and tomorrow it will be July 1st, Canada Day.  There will be no celebrations or social gatherings or shooting off fireworks.  No big barbeques and games in the park, corn roasts, canoe races, face painting stations, sitting on the grass and just chit chatting with friends you haven’t seen in awhile.  Nothing.  Nada.

Mr. Three had invited me over to his place this evening to set off some fireworks of our own (his words), but I haven’t heard from him all day.   Here we go again.  Why is he keeping me on this string?  I should just cut the cord once and for all.  And I can hear your voices loud and clear, “go ahead and cut the cord for god’s sake so we don’t have to hear about this guy anymore and how he is keeping you strung along’.

There has been a definite pattern to the men I have been picking.  Each of them is emotionally unavailable or unavailable for other reasons.  Maybe I like that in a man.  Maybe I don’t want a serious relationship and am afraid to get involved that deeply.  I am afraid of picking another manipulator.  I am a magnet for them.   

Look at me.

Pick me.

Use me.

Abuse me.

Kick me.

Lick me.

Love me up

Then turn away.

Please call me up another day.

The only man that really expressed genuine love towards me, I sent packing because I couldn’t stand it that he loved me.  I felt pressured.  He wanted a commitment; I was just not ready for that.  Let me be free.  Let me be wild.  Let me live. 

When I told him, I wanted to see him but also be able to see other men if I want, he was shocked.  “I am not going to be good with that!” After a week or so he messaged me saying, “I don’t care what you do or who you see, as long as you see me too”.  He must have loved me to be willing to give me my freedom. 

I didn’t believe him though and still said no. 

Getting back to the title of this blog post – Why am I still writing this blog?

As you can see by the theme or subheading this blog is about my twin flame and the journey.  My soulmate, love of my life, true love, red ray, golden ray, twin ray – made up name ……   I met him a year ago almost to the day, I think it was on June 27, 2019.  We matched on a dating site.  A spark was lit just from text messages, phone calls flamed it, and a bomb went off when we met and fucked.  I have never been the same. 

Even divine masculine is unavailable and keeping himself distant.  I wanted an adventure with him and I have had it, maybe not the adventure I was picturing but it has been out of this world (literally) erotic, passionate, sexual, sensual, mind blowing, all my long-held beliefs and programming have been overwritten.  I wish I had the language to explain myself, but I fall short.

So why do I keep writing about this journey when DM is not available and it doesn’t look very promising that he wants to finally meet me for a second go around. Did I learn all there was from him and now is it time for my departure? Will I continue on my own, or will I find someone else that is a soul connection? I only have questions and no answers.

Today, I danced in the park and made Gibson dance with me.  It was the funniest thing.  I was waving a stick in the air and doing dance moves and he was standing on his hind legs trying to grab the stick, but it really looked like dance steps.  Ha ha.

The song we were dancing to was: Let’s Get Married by Jagged Edge.  What a good beat.  When you listen to it try to not dance.  Impossible.

Jagged Edge – Let’s Get Married

Thank you for listening to me talk some sense into myself.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane  xo

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

21 thoughts on “Why am I still writing this blog?

  1. DM is kinda gettin’ old.

    Do you bake bread? Or biscuits? Do you like tequila or champagne more? What’s your favorite seafood? What do you like/dislike about the county/country fair? If benign aliens arrived, and the whole world witness them, but they asked you and only you to accompany them away — would you go? What board games did you play as a child? How many pairs of shoes do you own? What’s your favorite? Would you give them to a friend if they asked? How many ways can you cook a potato? Would you rather bicycle down Mt Mauna Loa or ski down K2? So many things to write about in the world… Don’t you think?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. So you are getting bored with my DM and me writing about him??? I am laughing my head off because it is all so true, there is so much else to write about and I guess if I bake bread or biscuits or both would be a very stimulating read. I have about 9 pairs of shoes and I would give all of them away to friends. Thank you for the pointers. Sending you love.

      Liked by 5 people

      1. I hear you, girl. There are many other topics to write about than our love stories, and I am guilty, too. But this is what consumes us the most and fills our heads and hearts on the daily. What else to do but to write about it to get it out of our heads and hopefully get some clarity. Sending you love, too.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Dear Kimray, yes it is all about clarity. I want to share what I have been experiencing as a way to process and also maybe help others who are going through it too. After all love and relationships are the most important topic because without these there would be nothing worth being here for. We just need change the template of what a relationship looks like to make a better life experience.
        Love love love to you ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Beat is really good, but I must say, I didn’t dance. ^^
    But probably would have, wouldn’t it be in the middle of the night.

    And while you sure could write about something else, it is your choice about what you want or have to write, or what just comes out, I guess.

    Just wanted to let you know, that for me it is more important that you share something, learn something and feel good about it. And if something is shit, it is shit.
    Good to hear from you no matter what. 🙂

    And I guess, when we can do what we truely want, we will have all the time to write whatever we didn’t write about yet and also the inspiration.

    If you read, you write. If you watch, you listen. If you speak up, you noticed. If you feel, you care.

    (Just felt like writing these “If” sentences. I don’t know. :D)

    Have a good night! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear J., thank you for your comments and for listening to the song with the good beat. You didn’t dance? That’s okay I love to dance and will move my body to two spoons hitting together in a beat as it doesn’t take much.
      I like your ‘if’ compilation. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️❤️🤗🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 💖 🙂 And call me John because that is my name in english. The J. sounds so formal ^^ and I don’t like that actually. J.SYS is just an artist name developed out of games, programming and ideas.
        It actually means Johandros Systems, but I like it as Jsys or J.SYS 😀
        Thanks for the love.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I love how you danced in the park with Gibson. That must have been so cute! You should do more of that for yourself. And for Gibson, who probably would have blogged about it if he could do so. We can learn a lot from dogs, don’t you think? Kisses to you! x Happy Canada Day! ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Darling Gentleman Dave, yes we certainly can learn a lot from dogs, so loyal and friendly and dances with me in the park when the other dogs think he looks stupid but he doesn’t care because he wants to make me happy 😃. Thank you also for the Canada Day wishes. Sending you lots of love across the miles💋💋💋❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think sometimes we sabotage ourselves by picking unavailable partners, pushing away promising relationships. You want your divine masculine deep down and so you push away men who might be capable of having a healthy/loving relationship because you know that you will never be able to love them as much as they will love you and that is horrible feeling (I know) and because you are still a human with wants and needs you go for partners you know full well will never become serious/never occupy your heart because your heart belongs to your masculine. It is of course also possible you like primal, sexual, dangerous, emotionally stunted men. Lots of women do honestly. If that is the case in general it is certainly a subject that deserves exploration as I think it will prove to be an important part of your healing/spiritual growth.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. All you have said is true. I do only want my divine masculine and yes I go for primal, sexual, dangerous, and emotionally stunted men as that almost describes DM in the 3D.
      I don’t know how to explore this aspect of myself.
      Thank you beautiful poet for your words of truth. ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well ask yourself what about those characteristics and those types of men appeals to you? How do they make you feel when you are with them? What do you want to do for them/experience with them that you feel you could not have with a “nice guy”? What sort of relationship do you want and are the types of men that you desire capable of such a relationship in their natural state of being? A lot of women like the idea of taking care of their men. Just like men women can have a thing about wanting to save/rescue/nurture a tortured soul it gives them a sense of validation and worth. At the same time the cost is very high and the sense of worth it gives is not the lasting sense of worth that one gets from true self-love but a very temporary high such as one gets with addiction. Sometimes women mistake a man’s false bravado for signs of strength and/or confidence and over-look a more easy-going guy who is in actuality significantly more confident and comfortable with himself sexually.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you beautiful poet, I need to ponder all this and ask myself these questions.
        I can see there are still triggers buried very deep that need to have some light shone on them. I love you ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  5. U know when u get really eager for some “handling” u could call that nice guy out of the blue and be a dom urself. Tell him where to meet u, what time, what to wear, etc. Then when ur done with him just leave. Or stay and cuddle if u want. But dont leave him tied in handcuffs or anything, that would be un canadian like my 🇨🇦 sista. Be brave. Try to make ur own rules instead of looking for some. Just an idea🤷‍♀️ as I care 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so right, I wonder why I am always hanging back waiting for the man to make his moves when I have plenty of my own. I need to be brave. Thank you dear CA sister. 😊💕💕💕

      Like

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