Beautifully Painful

bringing him back to life by Summerhill Lane

Beautifully Painful

Dear loved ones,

Today is Sunday and it is afternoon now and as you may guess I am still in bed.  I have been delaying getting up.  Not because I am naturally lazy (sometimes I am), but because I go to work soon and it is a long shift standing in one spot more or less, which is very hard on the legs.  I really love my job.  I love people. 

This weekend was very difficult for me and my emotions were at an all time low.  Of course, it was because of a man (and I know you knew that).  I have not forgotten about my divine masculine and he is still with me every day on an energetic level, but he is not present in my life.  We do not have a life together in the here and now.  Maybe we will at some point and maybe we won’t. 

So, I had decided to make a connection with someone else who I was attracted to and who matched me at least intellectually.  We had been sexually active in the past but he was just wanting a fuck friend at that time and I guess that was all I was wanting too.  I am talking about Mr. Three, and you may recall him from some of my previous posts.  I thought we were together and I was his woman and he was my man, or at least that is what he has been saying to me.  He has phoned me and facetimed with me almost every day and it has been very reassuring of his commitment that this actually was a bonified relationship.  We had seen each other twice for a coffee date since last May, when he asked me to get back together with him.  That is 4 months of communication and no action.  This past Friday was the day we had arranged an actual get together.  He facetimed me in the morning that day and said he had a few things to do and then he would message me again to arrange a time.  I waited all day, and nothing from him.  I turned down plans with friends because I was waiting for him.  I sent him a message asking what was wrong and why I hadn’t heard from him.  Still nothing.

It has been a few days and still I haven’t heard a thing.  Someone must have died.  This has happened before though, and it is not the first time he has made plans with me and disappeared from the scene only to say things came up and he was busy with this, that and the other thing.   He does say sorry and I should be happy with that. 

I am done.

It is obvious that he cares not for me.

I am not a priority.

There is no relationship here.

I have been reluctant to learn my lessons.  Divine masculine has taught me to love myself first and not to love him more than myself. I must not even put up with his shitty behaviour either. 

Our connection is beautifully painful.

I think the painting at the beginning is finished.  I have it hanging on my bedroom wall along with all the rest I have done lately.  The man looks like he is white with cold and the woman is warm and she is trying to heat him up with her love.  At least that is what I see as I look at it.  Tell me what you see.

Thank you for listening to me today.  It really means a lot to know that you are there and we have a link and a heart connection.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email -

20 thoughts on “Beautifully Painful

  1. I love that perspective – white man who is cold, coloured woman who is warm. Beautiful.

    You speak my language, you know that? I feel so many things you are saying on both a similar and different level.

    Keep posting, especially if it helps you to process and finalize decisions that are so hard to make at times.

    You are worth it to be a priority. I must learn this lesson too.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I hope this guy doesn’t mess you around. It’s ain’t much fun being on the end of a yoyo.

    I remember a guy who spoke to me everyday on the phone and email. But he kept postponing dates, and he stood me up when we did make dates. I think being stood up, the shame of waiting at a bar for a guy who does not appear slowly eroded my enthusiasm despite our words to each other. He always had an apology and a reason, but when I started to let go, he did nor fight for me. It was not long after that before I met someone who didn’t keep me dangling.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jenna for your comments. Yes, it is very confusing when a person seems genuine and takes time to phone and facetime and message every day, yet when it comes to actual action there is nothing. I have been second guessing myself and this just causes anxiety. So no more Mr. Three. smiley face. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i feel you about mr 3. you should be a priority and deserve respect. you are worth it. your happiness should not be determined by someone else. (all lessons i’m still learning myself) ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Kimray, thank you for your comments and I really appreciate what you are saying about respect. The tests and lessons keep coming and it is not over until it is over. Sending you lots of love and hugs. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Self love is a lesson I am also learning on this journey and it’s definitely been a struggle. I had a real attack of self-hate yesterday. We just have to be gentle and patient with ourselves. It sounds like this relationship Mr Three is putting you through the emotional ringer, teaching you, but have you learned the lesson are you ready for something better?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear beautiful poet, thank you for your comments and for sharing. Sometimes I feel so stupid but then I realize it took years of abuse to beat me down and it may take some time to come up to speed. smiley face. It is all about the love. Hugs & Kisses

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It does take time. I know how you feel though. You spend years in an abusive situation. You break free. You put in years of work building a life and healing only to find you still have more healing to do! It can be very frustrating dealing with trauma but we must be loving and patient with ourselves =)

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Yes, I see the same thing in the painting! She’s warming him up, and he looks like he really needs it. That’s a touching image when we consider that. Nice work! Thank you for sharing your life stories and paintings, Summerhill. Soft kisses… 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Gentleman Dave for your comments on my painting. I think that men are in desperate need of warmth, love and understanding. This what I was trying to convey in this painting and because I love men so much too. Thank you for the soft kisses and returning same. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow your painting is amazing… I saw that right away, what you described of it at the bottom. Your art is beyond beyond. Broken record me. You have screaming artist talent Summerhill. I love what you said here: “Divine masculine has taught me to love myself first and not to love him more than myself.” This is it!!! This is the lesson we all have to learn. We are our own soulmate. Or our creative and loving energy is, at least. Hugs beautiful. 🤗🌸🌻💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Beautiful lovely Lia, my little sister. Thank you so much for your words and encouragement about my art and about learning life lessons. Never too old to learn our lessons 😁😁
      Love you ❤️❤️❤️💋🤗🤗🤗

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: