D day

At Niobe Lake with Wayne Bullock by Summerhill Lane

D day

Dear loved ones,

I am titling this post D day because as days go, it felt like I got a D as a grade on a final test.  That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to you.  Nor to me either. 

Today is the date of my father’s death 29 years ago.  At the time he wasn’t much older than I am now and that thought is bringing me sharply to attention.  I wasn’t in attendance around his bedside when he passed but was the only one of his children absent from that dreaded privilege.  I knew the second he passed because he came to visit me. It was 4am. 

Gabby, (he always called me Gabby as my middle name is Gabrielle) I know you couldn’t be with me to say goodbye, so I am coming to you.  I love you very much and I wish I was a better father to you.  I wish I didn’t hurt you.  Please forgive me.  I am happy that your mother is still here to show you the love that I couldn’t. 

I got up from my bed and went into the kitchen and waited for the call from my sister.  I was told that the last thing dad said was, “Where is Gabby?”

It is a terrible thing to see a person that you love laid out in their coffin.  Why is he not sitting up and smiling and ready to give me a hug and thanking me for coming for a visit?  It shocked me to see him so still and cold and I broke down and hugged and shook him and tried to wake him up.  Remember that I am a grown woman and not a little child, but these actions were very child like.  Someone came and pulled me away, I don’t even remember who that was.

Why did I love him so much when as he said, he was not a good father to me?  Was I set up to love those that abuse me?  Do I mistake abuse for love?  I think that has been my pattern.  A pattern that must be broken and templated into a new one, a better one, where love is love and abuse is abuse. 

So today, someone told me they loved me.  A manly someone.  I didn’t know how to respond because he hasn’t abused me one little bit.  He is kind, and sweet and generous, and handsome and very sexy.  He is attentive too.  But and I hate to say but, because it throws everything I just said out the window.  But…..

Some more work needs doing on my patterns.  There is someone who calls me slut and whore and I have responded exceedingly well to those missiles. 

So, it is a D day.  Barely passing grade, more work required. 

I have been craving, and craving badly all day wanting to message DM.  I started an email but deleted it.  The pull is so strong.  I wish he would say something finally and put me out of my misery.  End it or start it.  Something.  Anything. 

Thank you loved ones for being with me on this page today.  I appreciate you being here.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

12 thoughts on “D day

  1. “A pattern that must be broken and templated into a new one, a better one, where love is love and abuse is abuse.” – I think this is one of the main problems of humanity, this kind of patterns. So it is very good to write about it like this.

    And although you think you failed or graded badly on a test, maybe it was only that you feel you did. Besides mistakes we might have done or things which happened to us and made us do things, we are still alive and someone, something. When writing what seems right to me, knowing that I could be wrong or at least not fully understand something, will give me a bad grade, I take this bad grade, instead of a good one, for writing what others want.

    That your father visited you and told you this, was very important. On his deathbed he must have realized his mistake(s) and that he came to visit you must have meant that in this moment you were very important for him. I can only assume and speak from feelings and experiences I heard of or maybe have had on my own. But I think, that your reaction might have been just natural, that you tried to wake him up – like a child. I really think the child in us should never die. But your father was ready to go and I think he also had nothing which held him anymore. He might have also visited you, to remind you that you have so much love in you and you should not forget about it and that this love can make / do wonders quite literal.

    In my mother’s case it was a little different, when he father was dying, she also felt it, but he didn’t visit her. Instead there was shiny cloud in the sky (when I remember correct) with the first letter of her name. And when she didn’t see it alone, one of the neighbors we had back then was with her (when I remember correct). She said that she wasn’t crazy, since she had see it as well and was also open towards these things. My mother’s mother and father instead visited my mother in her dreams sometimes and also tried to tell her something, but she couldn’t really understand. Also something about her siblings we figured out togother, since she used colored sticks in her dream and they where the number of siblings. My mother also has a lot of love, courage and strength, if she wouldn’t have been so hurt and beaten down by a lot of the people around her, especially my father. There is no love in him, only despair, hate and anger and he sucks out our will to live, so we are usually very empty and can’t really escape from him. Her mother and father probably tried to tell her, that she should try to save and help her siblings, since they also have had a lot of problems in their lives. My mother also thinks that she is unwanted and I also often think this, when it comes to most people. But it is that they either have no love or can’t or don’t want to understand it, so they try to make you hate yourself because this is the only way they can defeat you or maybe even feel good about themselves (or whatever). I did the mistake to do that, to hate me, feel guilty for everything, wanting to die so badly, but couldn’t. My other grandfather also visited me a few times in dreams and her mother as well and I couldn’t speak with them, although they tried to tell me something. If I could have read lips, maybe I would have understood, but I think I understood anyway, knowing now, that they wanted to say, that I should love my mother and myself and remember that I did when I was little, even tried to protect her and help her, making her not feel alone.

    I don’t want to say something wrong, since I also don’t know about some things and can’t be sure, but according to what I have seen and read, you have a lot of love and were badly hurt because of it. And most people decide to then either hurt others as well or themselves or both and then they die or whatever happens. Love can always come back and like you wrote: “… where love is love and abuse is abuse.”

    I am not sure where I heard it, but someone once said or meant, that an honest and deep embrace, just holding someone or spending time to be there for someone is more intimate than everything called this way (or something like this).

    For me, my life usually meant nothing, since it also usually meant nothing to others, so I tried to at least make theirs less problematic (or whatever I thought and hoped). Sometimes I also tried to cheer them up and sometimes I had hope that things could actually be good. Now I believe that they can be, eventhough it might not happen in a way I would wish it would be.

    So no matter what might happen to you, I wish that you will get actual love and hopefully find all your love within you, in case you didn’t already. When I should describe this love, I would say, that it can be enough to live for a while, but only feels really good, when you find others, friends or something who also feel it or want to feel it, so you can share it with them. Unlike some who just want to have it all for themselves, who then abuse you in some ways. Be it physically, psychological or whatever, all together…

    Without the first 2-3 years in which my mother spent a lot of time with me, showed me a lot and was still a little happy besides all what happened to her and was still happening, I probably would have never really knew what love is. When she had to work and continously got mostly psychologically tortured and robbed of her power and love, I also lost hope and love. It is hard and seems pointless, but it is all I can fight for right now because I don’t want her to always just stay in this misery others placed her in, even being jealous or whatever…

    I can’t safe my father at least not now, since he doesn’t want to be safed, he thinks he is right and always on the right side. My mother is just hopeless and confused most of the time, but she wants to live and be free.

    Whatever might come, I also wish for you that you will find others or something who honestly love you and don’t give away your love, to people who never really love you. My mother had to learn the hard way with my father and other people, I understood it real quick, but even thought everyone would be this way, which was also wrong, luckily. I love you for the love you have and for the wonderful things you see and can do. I am confused about a lot of things, because of all what was, but I don’t want for you any more harm, abuse and hurt. I can’t stop it from where I am, I just a confused guy or whatever and a soul between worlds. ^^

    But at least when you ask me, you deserve to live, feel good and actual love and heal your wounds.
    Thank you for being here and I am deeply sorry for what you went through and I know that I can’t change it and I can’t do much. I am so sick of losing good people, people who really want to do good and live and make others happy or such things. Wonderful people, hurt by life, others and maybe themselves because of it. I am so sick of this …

    And even if everyone else should hate you or you yourself, I don’t, even if I could through confusion say something by accident. I come as a friend to people and also can only come as a friend to them because everything else wouldn’t work for me. And no matter what my tortured mind might think or say, my heart knows what is good and my heart loves your heart and gives me tears writing to you or reading what you wrote, when it can. Not necessarily in sadness, but with tears of overwhelming feelings I see as love. Like a connection between people should me, I would say, other than what most of the time is said and shown. And if I am just some kind of “letter” or online friend or a “voice” reminding you, that you are wonderful, loveable and full of love, no matter what had happened to you. Your heart still beats and it wants to beat. 💜💙💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear sweetheart John. Thank you for your beautiful message. I can feel your sincerity and warmth, it is so lovely.
      You are doing very well at changing the old templating of narcissism abusing empaths. Your mother sounds like an empathetic person who would blame herself for not being good enough for everything.
      These patterns need to be changed and I can see you working hard at changing them. It is a generational thing , and for me I am drawing the line in the sand and say the buck stops here. I think you are doing the same. ❤️
      Sending you a big hug and much love my friend. Thank you for your comments and encouragement.
      Summerhill

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Summerhill! ❤
        You are very right about that in any way and my mother really works herself broke and also gets driven crazy by people (often passively) or through lies or such things. I don't want to lose my mother because without her, I wouldn't be. And no matter what happened between me and my mother, I love her and it breaks me to see her so broke and hopeless most of the time, as well as myself.
        I have a real weird position on being split between narcissism I have in me and developed through my father and my actual power, my love and empathy, I want more. In a way I have seen myself as a walking / living paradox. It also confused me a lot of the time. But I would say, that it is more about the hate I got and feel. Because empaths do that and around where I live there always was a lot of these negative thoughts, feelings and experiences. The older I got, the more I felt them. It made me hate myself, although it wasn't even my fault it seems. Either way, I would take all the blame, if it would finally make an end to it. And for myself I see it as something good from time to time, since I could learn through these thoughts, experiences and feelings, what I defenitely don't want anymore on for others and myself. And also to get stronger and even grow stronger than those who might seem strong through their visible strength or "smart" words. So in a way I now have both, the knowledge and experience of my enemy and still my empathy and love, I had when I was born and little. I also understood this way, how narcisism or such things work, feel and come to be. And that it is very hard to break free from it, but there is hope. Always.
        And if not, then we can make some!
        Sometimes a few words or a small gesture can give more hope than a million faked smiles and plans. And you give me a lot of hope, love and also encouragement. Also made me find a way out or realize things I also sometimes still do or experienced, which confuse, hurt or make me hate myself.
        I think that there can never be enough love and hope, especially in a world with so little of it. And while narcisists and empaths usually destroy each other, empaths can help and heal each other and whatelse there might be.
        And about your paintings, when you need or feel like painting something radical or extreme, maybe you have to work through it. Depending on what it is, it might not be appropriate for the blog. And if you don't feel like drawing or painting (or anything) something like this, then that's great. I just wanted to tell you, that sometimes it could be that out of fear we hold things back. To not harm others or also because they scare ourselves and maybe could be misinterpreted or cause trouble with others who know nothing about it. Because it seemed as if you maybe sometimes wanted to draw more or something a little different than just these colors. Again, if I am wrong about it, I don't want to tell you that you have to or anything.
        Because sometimes I had to draw something brutal, painful and scary to somehow handle it and also my mother sometimes drew crying faces, broken hearts. Some of the things I have seen, are things I don't even want to write about, but already did somewhere. Things I heard of, felt and seen. I hope these images will leave me, when I found a way to escape my current situation or others found it for me.
        Thank you for yours hugs and love and thank you that you are here. 💜💜💜

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Katiemiafrederick, thank you for your poetry which I love so much. Yes, I have been writing about this song and dance called the twin flame journey, for awhile now. It is a dance of pain and pleasure but I am so appreciative of the experiences and of the journey itself.
      I am breathing thank you – and relaxing and trying to let things unfold as they will.
      Sending you lots of love and hugs too. Keep dancing 😉😀😊❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This Is Life We

        All Experience

        The Pleasure

        And Pain

        At Best

        We Remain

        Strong Enough

        Through Thick

        And Thin To

        Treat
        Every

        Stranger

        As New

        FRiEnD

        As Old

        FRiEnD True

        For How

        Sad It

        Becomes

        When Flame

        Is No Longer

        Cherished

        And Felt

        Same

        As One

        Family

        Whole

        Fire

        In

        Heaven

        And

        Hell

        How
        Blessed Are
        We To Keep
        Right Foot

        In Hell

        Remaining

        Left Foot

        In Art

        Of Heaven

        Same As It’s

        True Right Brain

        Is Left

        Hand

        Oh The

        Ignorance

        Of What

        Is Written

        In Right Hand

        Stone Yet

        Does

        Not Flower

        In Metaphor

        Of Left

        Hand

        FLoWeRinG

        Mind Right Soul

        Mind Deeper Indeed…

        Hehe

        – Still Recovering
        Human Machine

        -Dance And

        Song

        Free

        Indeed

        Your Home

        Just Another

        Path

        To

        Ever

        Recovering
        Humanity of Love For

        -me

        i Do

        Thank

        -You

        -With

        -Loving
        Therapy SMiLes 🎁

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh my goodness. There are so many things popping into my head reading this post.

    I love how your dad visited you. ❤️ My grandmother came by too, all the way from Switzerland, the night she died. Remind me to tell you that story sometimd.

    What will you do with your new love?

    And I understand the pull for DM. Did he send you a message I wonder…was the pull the message?

    Such a mystery, isn’t it.

    Wishing you pleasant dreams. 💕💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Darling Writer of Words, I would be very interested in your story about your grandmother visiting from Switzerland. Many of us have had these visitations and it is so encouraging to hear about them because it confirms that we haven’t lost our connection with loved ones.
      I don’t know what to do with my new love really except to take one day at a time and enjoy him and the attention. That sounds kind of cold saying it out loud. I haven’t heard from DM in words just this incredible pull towards him that is so hard to resist.
      Thank you for your comments and sending you a big hug and lots of love ❤❤❤

      Like

  3. What a beautiful & heartfelt post….so many things are popping up in me after I’ve read your post….please forgive me as I’m simply writing how I see it….the tussle between the Self & the Being….where the Self remembers all the patterns, misery, pain, trauma….but then you’re connected to the Being as you feel & give the love….unconditional love….irrespective of what the Self remembers….thank you kindly for such a beautiful sharing ❤️ ✨

    Liked by 1 person

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