The Bad Guy
Dear loved ones,
I have come down with a stomach flu that has rendered me useless to myself and to others. It is the most awful feeling to not feel or care about anything, except maybe free access to the bathroom. Smiley face.
A blank sheet.
Even my craving and yearning for DM has disappeared and a hole is left in the center of my chest that I am ignoring. Do I even exist anymore? My hands are on the keyboard and I will just let them have their way and let them write whatever they want. You do not need to read as it will probably be just nonsense.
I have played the part of the bad guy several times, just to free myself from impossible situations. I was willing to feel the disappointment and hate of others and this actually was a small price to pay for freedom and release.
I was raised in a cult religion, even though they do not consider themselves a cult, they definitely are. I raised my own children in the same religion. I was brainwashed and indoctrinated on the surface, but deep down I always knew it was bullshit. This internal conflict was making me sick. I was making myself sick as an escape. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring. I was dying. I had a choice to make – die or live another life free from this belief system. I would have to be the bad guy and be seen in such a light (or in darkness). My whole family (mother and siblings) would reject me, including my husband and possibly my children.
I made the decision to have an affair. In my thinking it was the only way to break the marriage and escape. I did not go through with the affair even though there was someone who was chasing me, but instead just decided to move myself and my children out of the house. This was a big deal to accomplish in secret. I didn’t want to have this discussion with my husband about splitting up because he would have had the whole family and the religious leaders involved in “talking some sense into me”. There had been already about five years of such talk and the pulling of me back to my place as a supportive and submissive woman, a non person, a people pleaser, a head bower.
Many years have gone by since this happened and yet I am viewed as the bad one by my brother and sisters who are still involved with this religious group. I paid the price to have my own mind. I miss them in my life, yet I am not in pain and sorrow about it anymore.
Boy, this was not what I was expecting to come out here. A bit of ancient history. My mother didn’t talk to me or stay in contact with me until she was on her death bed (3 years ago). We spoke on the phone and she told me she never stopped loving me. I knew that, but it was so good to hear her voice one last time. It took a lot of effort for her to talk to me, not only because she could hardly breathe, but also because all my siblings were gathered around her listening and judging (maybe I am being harsh). She too had to be seen as the bad guy by finally breaking the rules and speaking up.
Thank you for reading my post today. I only have this little watercolour painting to share that was done a few years ago. I was visiting my mother-in-law in the seniors’ home and there was a beautiful and cheerful parrot who talked to me every time I was there. I am sure he talked to others too, but I felt so special for his attention. I loved him. I love you too very much. Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo