The Bad Guy

Looking into the bird cage by Summerhill Lane

The Bad Guy

Dear loved ones,

I have come down with a stomach flu that has rendered me useless to myself and to others.  It is the most awful feeling to not feel or care about anything, except maybe free access to the bathroom.  Smiley face. 

So dull. 

A blank sheet.

Even my craving and yearning for DM has disappeared and a hole is left in the center of my chest that I am ignoring.  Do I even exist anymore?  My hands are on the keyboard and I will just let them have their way and let them write whatever they want.  You do not need to read as it will probably be just nonsense. 

I have played the part of the bad guy several times, just to free myself from impossible situations.  I was willing to feel the disappointment and hate of others and this actually was a small price to pay for freedom and release. 

I was raised in a cult religion, even though they do not consider themselves a cult, they definitely are.  I raised my own children in the same religion.  I was brainwashed and indoctrinated on the surface, but deep down I always knew it was bullshit.  This internal conflict was making me sick.  I was making myself sick as an escape.  I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring.  I was dying.  I had a choice to make – die or live another life free from this belief system.  I would have to be the bad guy and be seen in such a light (or in darkness).  My whole family (mother and siblings) would reject me, including my husband and possibly my children. 

I made the decision to have an affair.  In my thinking it was the only way to break the marriage and escape.  I did not go through with the affair even though there was someone who was chasing me, but instead just decided to move myself and my children out of the house.  This was a big deal to accomplish in secret.  I didn’t want to have this discussion with my husband about splitting up because he would have had the whole family and the religious leaders involved in “talking some sense into me”.  There had been already about five years of such talk and the pulling of me back to my place as a supportive and submissive woman, a non person, a people pleaser, a head bower. 

Many years have gone by since this happened and yet I am viewed as the bad one by my brother and sisters who are still involved with this religious group.  I paid the price to have my own mind. I miss them in my life, yet I am not in pain and sorrow about it anymore.

Boy, this was not what I was expecting to come out here.  A bit of ancient history.  My mother didn’t talk to me or stay in contact with me until she was on her death bed (3 years ago).  We spoke on the phone and she told me she never stopped loving me.  I knew that, but it was so good to hear her voice one last time.  It took a lot of effort for her to talk to me, not only because she could hardly breathe, but also because all my siblings were gathered around her listening and judging (maybe I am being harsh).  She too had to be seen as the bad guy by finally breaking the rules and speaking up. 

Thank you for reading my post today. I only have this little watercolour painting to share that was done a few years ago.  I was visiting my mother-in-law in the seniors’ home and there was a beautiful and cheerful parrot who talked to me every time I was there.   I am sure he talked to others too, but I felt so special for his attention.  I loved him.  I love you too very much.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

22 thoughts on “The Bad Guy

  1. Sorry to hear this. I didn’t realize that I was raised in a cult religion till I was reading the characteristics of a cult religion in my college Sociology textbook. But I had a much easier time than you did. Hope you feel well soon. I hate puking! PS. I became a born again Christian about ten years later. Best thing that ever happened to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s So Sad When People
    Wait Until They

    Die Or Fall
    Ill to Express

    Love

    For Where
    The Wings

    Of A Song

    Bird

    In

    A Cage
    Flew Before

    How We Cage
    Our Wings Losing

    All The Fountain

    Of

    Eternal
    LoVE NoW

    Never Ending

    Soul Youth

    For

    Giving

    Thanks

    Giving Love

    Free With Least

    Caging Of

    Bird

    Song Wings

    Thanks Dear
    Summerhilllane
    For A Painting

    Of A Soul
    Cage Woman
    Peering in Longing
    To Set Her Bird Free🦅💫

    Liked by 1 person

      1. SMiles Dear We Live
        In The Forest Where
        My Sister Takes
        Photography
        Hehe With
        Her Super Expensive
        Camera Her Retirement
        “Vocation” Next

        Door

        Since
        My ReTirement
        From Barren Soul Wheels

        i’ve Come

        To Value

        Wildlife

        Over All Domesticated

        Nature Hence All

        The Free Birds

        And

        Naked

        me On The

        Wild Fur

        Wing

        Bird

        Song

        Finally

        Uncaged

        From Church
        And State
        And
        Business
        Schools All
        Of The Clothed

        God

        Of Money

        Holding Hands

        In Lifeless

        Soul

        Cages

        Cogs

        Of The

        Machines

        Built

        Unto

        The

        “Human

        Zoo” Meanwhile

        A Bird Sings

        In My

        Window to

        Eternity Now Free Winged

        Lots of Love And

        Free Hugs

        To You

        Too my

        Winged Friend😊💫

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Summerhill… you’re wonderful, amazing, and inspiring. I’m sorry to hear you’re not well… but this write… is a wonderful result of it perhaps. The painting… as always so original, one-of-a-kind, beautiful colours and design, and thought-provoking… made me think, sometimes maybe all a bird needs is someone looking in, for it to it be able to fly in the face of adversity, and find its way out. I dunno maybe what I said there doesn’t make sense. But what did make sense is the absolutely heroic act you did in taking your kids and yourself out of that situation, especially when your nearest and dearest were all part of it. Wondrous woman. Much love and appreciation xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That was too many hearts lol… in one colour anyway. 😂 Thanks for the super heart-warming reply. To me you’re among the goodest of the good gals. You give so much love to people who maybe need it more than anybody. But you also know when to take a stand. That is important so that goodness can continue, and for those that matter most especially (…including yourself). Hugs, gal… and I hope you feel awesome again soon. 💛🌈🌤

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: