
The Bad Guy
Dear loved ones,
I have come down with a stomach flu that has rendered me useless to myself and to others. It is the most awful feeling to not feel or care about anything, except maybe free access to the bathroom. Smiley face.
So dull.
A blank sheet.
Even my craving and yearning for DM has disappeared and a hole is left in the center of my chest that I am ignoring. Do I even exist anymore? My hands are on the keyboard and I will just let them have their way and let them write whatever they want. You do not need to read as it will probably be just nonsense.
I have played the part of the bad guy several times, just to free myself from impossible situations. I was willing to feel the disappointment and hate of others and this actually was a small price to pay for freedom and release.
I was raised in a cult religion, even though they do not consider themselves a cult, they definitely are. I raised my own children in the same religion. I was brainwashed and indoctrinated on the surface, but deep down I always knew it was bullshit. This internal conflict was making me sick. I was making myself sick as an escape. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped caring. I was dying. I had a choice to make – die or live another life free from this belief system. I would have to be the bad guy and be seen in such a light (or in darkness). My whole family (mother and siblings) would reject me, including my husband and possibly my children.
I made the decision to have an affair. In my thinking it was the only way to break the marriage and escape. I did not go through with the affair even though there was someone who was chasing me, but instead just decided to move myself and my children out of the house. This was a big deal to accomplish in secret. I didn’t want to have this discussion with my husband about splitting up because he would have had the whole family and the religious leaders involved in “talking some sense into me”. There had been already about five years of such talk and the pulling of me back to my place as a supportive and submissive woman, a non person, a people pleaser, a head bower.
Many years have gone by since this happened and yet I am viewed as the bad one by my brother and sisters who are still involved with this religious group. I paid the price to have my own mind. I miss them in my life, yet I am not in pain and sorrow about it anymore.
Boy, this was not what I was expecting to come out here. A bit of ancient history. My mother didn’t talk to me or stay in contact with me until she was on her death bed (3 years ago). We spoke on the phone and she told me she never stopped loving me. I knew that, but it was so good to hear her voice one last time. It took a lot of effort for her to talk to me, not only because she could hardly breathe, but also because all my siblings were gathered around her listening and judging (maybe I am being harsh). She too had to be seen as the bad guy by finally breaking the rules and speaking up.
Thank you for reading my post today. I only have this little watercolour painting to share that was done a few years ago. I was visiting my mother-in-law in the seniors’ home and there was a beautiful and cheerful parrot who talked to me every time I was there. I am sure he talked to others too, but I felt so special for his attention. I loved him. I love you too very much. Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo
Beautiful painting! I hope you start to feel better soon, stomach viruses are honestly the worst. I love you =) You are gorgeous inside and out never forget it =)
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Thank you darling beautiful poet. I love you. 🧡💛💚💙
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Hope you feel better and more complete very soon.
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Thank you Equipsblog for your care. Sending you hugs 💋❤️🤗🤗
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Back at you.
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❤
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❤️❤️
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Sorry to hear this. I didn’t realize that I was raised in a cult religion till I was reading the characteristics of a cult religion in my college Sociology textbook. But I had a much easier time than you did. Hope you feel well soon. I hate puking! PS. I became a born again Christian about ten years later. Best thing that ever happened to me.
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Thank you for your comments and it is so nice to hear from you. I am so happy that you found a spiritual place that resonates with your soul. Much love ❤️
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Let me know when your coming to Oz you bad guy lol
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Thank you and I will let you know when I am visiting Oz. 😁❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗
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It’s So Sad When People
Wait Until They
Die Or Fall
Ill to Express
Love
For Where
The Wings
Of A Song
Bird
In
A Cage
Flew Before
How We Cage
Our Wings Losing
All The Fountain
Of
Eternal
LoVE NoW
Never Ending
Soul Youth
For
Giving
Thanks
Giving Love
Free With Least
Caging Of
Bird
Song Wings
Thanks Dear
Summerhilllane
For A Painting
Of A Soul
Cage Woman
Peering in Longing
To Set Her Bird Free🦅💫
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Oh my, such beauty of expression. You really have captured the essence of the painting and the post. Thank you. Many hugs and lots of love 🤗🤗🤗❤️❤️❤️
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SMiles Dear We Live
In The Forest Where
My Sister Takes
Photography
Hehe With
Her Super Expensive
Camera Her Retirement
“Vocation” Next
Door
Since
My ReTirement
From Barren Soul Wheels
i’ve Come
To Value
Wildlife
Over All Domesticated
Nature Hence All
The Free Birds
And
Naked
me On The
Wild Fur
Wing
Bird
Song
Finally
Uncaged
From Church
And State
And
Business
Schools All
Of The Clothed
God
Of Money
Holding Hands
In Lifeless
Soul
Cages
Cogs
Of The
Machines
Built
Unto
The
“Human
Zoo” Meanwhile
A Bird Sings
In My
Window to
Eternity Now Free Winged
Lots of Love And
Free Hugs
To You
Too my
Winged Friend😊💫
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I like being your winged friend 💥💥😁❤️
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SMiLes my
FRiEnD
iN
Deed We 🦅
Will Share Feathers 🪶
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Stomach viruses are the worst but I hope you’re feeling much better. I really liked this & I hope my writing gets good like yours
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Thank you. Appreciate your well wishes and I am starting to feel better today. I will check out your blog too. Much love.
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Summerhill… you’re wonderful, amazing, and inspiring. I’m sorry to hear you’re not well… but this write… is a wonderful result of it perhaps. The painting… as always so original, one-of-a-kind, beautiful colours and design, and thought-provoking… made me think, sometimes maybe all a bird needs is someone looking in, for it to it be able to fly in the face of adversity, and find its way out. I dunno maybe what I said there doesn’t make sense. But what did make sense is the absolutely heroic act you did in taking your kids and yourself out of that situation, especially when your nearest and dearest were all part of it. Wondrous woman. Much love and appreciation xoxoxo
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Darling little sister Lia, I am crying as I read your comment and I really appreciate your words and your love. xoxoxo
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❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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That was too many hearts lol… in one colour anyway. 😂 Thanks for the super heart-warming reply. To me you’re among the goodest of the good gals. You give so much love to people who maybe need it more than anybody. But you also know when to take a stand. That is important so that goodness can continue, and for those that matter most especially (…including yourself). Hugs, gal… and I hope you feel awesome again soon. 💛🌈🌤
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