My Own Hero
Dear loved ones,
Hello. Happy Sunday. Boy is it cold outside today. I wasn’t out for very long, just a brief walk with Gibson but it froze me right through. I must admit that I didn’t dress for the weather as I had no hat or gloves or scarf or even boots, just a coat and running shoes and no socks. What was I thinking!
I have spent the morning crying, and it was in this state that I ran outside. I thought the cold would shock me out of my milieu. It did help a little. All the pain of rejection is coming to the surface and the sobbing has started. I can’t just be crying about DM, so where is this unending grief coming from? I thought that I had healed from being abandoned by my family because of differing religious beliefs. I thought I had healed from the psychological abuse by my second husband. So, for DM to not say a word when I told him I loved him should have been like water off a duck’s back. Maybe, it is just too much for him and I get that. If DM came on too strongly, I would likely run away too.
Bla bla bla.
It has crossed my mind that this twin flame stuff is a rabbit hole, a distraction from world events. I have been fixated on my divine masculine for over eighteen months now and he is nowhere to be seen. All this love pouring out of me and all over him has just been that, love (energy) leaving me and going out into the ethers. Has it helped anyone? Who is feeding on this energy?
I think I am having this reaction because Mr. Perfect told me that he loved me. He loves me, he says, but at the same time he is moving his ex-wife of 18years back in to live in his house. They are good friends, he says. “She helped me out with a place to stay when I needed help. She is a friend of the family and we go back a long time. I don’t know why my partners have always been jealous of my friendship with her.”
He is friends with all his former spouses and no one ever leaves when the relationship dies. I am laughing because I recognize the seeds of jealousy growing in me. Why should I be jealous?
My second husband stayed very good friends with his first wife for all the years we were married up until she died. Actually, she was my friend before I even met him. She introduced us. They had been divorced for over ten years at that time. It did annoy me somewhat when he would go over to her house for energy massages and health treatments, but I didn’t care that much about it.
Now, I will really feel uncomfortable going to visit Mr. Perfect at his place because his ex is right there. Up front and present. Maybe, Mr. Perfect is not so perfect anymore. Ha.ha. I have to come to terms with my hang ups and feelings of being rejected. I really don’t need to be married or partnered with someone. I am okay on my own. No one needs come rescue me from myself. I don’t need a knight in shinning armour or a federation of white beings to be my hero or saviour. I think that idea of a galactic federation coming to save us and the planet is absolutely a psyop (spelling). Why can’t I find the correct spelling of this word? It seems to be barred from the dictionary or I am beginning it all wrong.
I must say that this twin flame journey has done me a lot of good. The amount of crying and sobbing and purging brought on by being triggered by DM has released a lot of buried trauma. I realize that I am responsible for my own happiness and no one can do this for me, not even divine masculine. He is very much wanted, but he is not needed. And the love radiating out of me is also good for something. I cannot hold it in or contain it. Even if DM does not want this love it is still out there making some difference in a positive way. Love is way better than hate or fear for all kinds of reasons. I am not spouting any new age jargon about love solving all our problems. Or we should just sit and meditate on love and everything will be better. That is not it at all. This world is in very serious trouble and most of us have turned over our rational thinking to outside sources who are only interested in using us and not in helping us flourish.
Even Trump is being looked on as a saviour as well as this Q business. We always want someone else to do the work of saving us. Are we that lazy? Open your mouth and say something – oh no, that is okay I will wait for someone else more powerful than me to do something. I am mainly just talking to myself here, because I too have kept quiet lately and not said much about what I know.
It is very interesting that now we are muzzled when we are around others and cannot say anything about anything. A very good plan to shut us all up. Can’t speak, can’t hear, can’t see (because the glasses fog up). Smiley face. Deaf, dumb and blind – just the way they want us.
Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts today and self analysis. I love you. I mean it. Summerhill Lane xoxo