Getting things off my chest

Alana line drawing portrait watercolour black ink

Getting things off my chest

Dear loved ones, (I really hope you do not mind me referring to you this way),

This is just me talking to you.  Lots of thoughts have gone through my mind about what has been happening in the world with the virus and the lockdowns and shutdowns and the masks and the social isolation and six feet apart rules and spray everything to sanitize.  At work we are asked to spray with these chemicals all over our work space after every customer.  I am actually glad I am wearing a mask because the spraying is toxic and I hate to be breathing it in.  I am sure we are all breathing it in anyway.  So, we are trying to stop the spread of a virus that has a 99% (not the exact figure) survival rate, but poisoning ourselves in the meantime while sucking in our own carbon dioxide and chemical sprays.  Totally nuts.  The insane is now sane.  Ministry of love is really the Ministry of torture as in the book 1984 by George Orwell.  Everything is double think.   

Last night as I was laying awake around 3am, it felt like I was being downloaded with information about the 4th dimension and all those entities up there who are kind of running the show down here in the 3D.  There is a whole mess of them feeding off us and using us and tricking us.  They have their willing minions (the 1%) as well as many others in the general population.  There are also those pretending to be the good guys and of the light, but they are not.  No, I was not having a bad trip as I haven’t taken any drugs or hallucinogens.  The one time I tried an edible (a gummy bear), I thought I was going to die in the night, so never again. 

So, I was thinking about my twin flame and wondering why I was being drawn so strongly towards him, and why I cannot stop obsessing about him.  I am addicted to the sexual high I feel coming from him.  It is out of this world and intoxicating.  It is also extremely painful as the rejection from him set in.  It shouldn’t hurt this much because I don’t even know him that well.   We only saw each other that one time and every other arrangement we made to get together was called off or cancelled by him.   This whole thing doesn’t make any rational sense.  I am not starving for attention like he is the only man in the world.   Would I even want him in my life now?  He hasn’t shown himself open and communicative.  I need clarity from him but he says nothing.  I wish he would just say he is not interested, or he has someone else and is happy.  Tell me the god damn truth!  Now I am angry.  Mostly angry at myself for being so in love with a phantom. 

The great big sign that I talked about in my previous post, has thrown me for a loop.  Who is giving me this sign and why?  Why should I be attached to someone who is not interested in being with me?  Is this all a trick by the master deceivers in the 4th realm? 

Well, if you think I have lost my marbles I wouldn’t blame you.  I know I am level headed and balanced emotionally for the first time in a long time.  It is so nice to just talk to you, so thank you for listening.   I love you and I am not just saying that.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo

Published by summerhilllane

contact me by email - summerhilllane2@gmail.com

11 thoughts on “Getting things off my chest

  1. Seems, as human beings, we can have a good grasp on our own psychology, on our own seeming irrationality, but it still doesn’t necessarily change how we feel. Nor does it allow us to escape our negatively-perceived obsessions, a la Freudian theory, which states that once we fully understand and can define our own psychology, it renders these negative mental influences – whatever they may be – null and void. It just doesn’t seem to work that way.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Manfred, you are right. Even though I know that these feelings of love are not rational and do not make logical sense, they are still there as strong as ever. Sending you many hugs and lots of love. 💚💙❤

      Like

  2. SMiles You Are A
    Third Poet Writing

    About

    Seeking

    Finding

    ReNeWinG

    Wings Yes

    More Than

    Parroted Before

    In Fact You Are

    Second And Third

    Yet This Metaphor

    “Cross-Contaminates”

    What Most Of

    The World

    Is MiSSinG

    As Pandemic

    Conditions

    Only Open

    A Long

    Existing

    Festering

    Wound Of Wings

    Broken Arrows To See 💘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know what you are going through….My effort to delve into this has yielded a past life that served to connect us in this one. Karma. It makes NO sense that a negative karma would create such an over the top insane chemistry….but it does. So? What has helped me has been to focus on my own junk, my own karma. I dig into what caused, on my side, with that karma….and it was a hard one because when I found out about it I was like, “I would react the same way today if that happened to me!” And that is precisely the problem. I had to learn to let go of that behavior, to heal it, because it was tying me to this person. Once I looked behind the curtain, it wasn’t like some grand Oz there, it was not much, actually. But how could that be? It makes no sense, it is non-intuitive. But over and over, it shows itself. Forgive that person, and forgive yourself. But to do that, at least my experience, you have to learn how to be radically honest with yourself. This can turn the tables on all of this. This thing, these connections, are very sticky….AND they create such bliss. Part comes from our past here and the other comes from our soul, and our soul is love and exists in an unbound unlimited “space” or awareness. For me, it has been about bringing the two together. The only way that I can is to release the bound energy in that karma that keeps me from a higher level of realization of my soul. My soul loves this person, but the chemistry comes from how that energy is attenuated by the karma, which is negative. This is like taking your thumb and putting it over a garden hose. It feels intense, it is intense, but part of it is this attenuating of the energy. Intense sexual tension often results. Crazy? Give it a try. Attend to your own work. This is a house burning and the job isn’t to put out the fire, just exit. Let it go. I know how hard that might be to try, but it is possible. With each release, the tension also decreases. I had relief when I figured out how to forgive it and let it go. It made it all much more of a peaceful experience afterwards. The biggest part is learning to trust your ability, your capabilities. yes, even in the midst of the flames, even in the midst of the great fire. Even then. But if you do, it will bring you something very rewarding.

    I no longer use harsh antiseptics. Peroxide is as effective as alcohol, and nowhere as harsh. But then your work would need to know about it and how effective it is. All of these germ killers are hard on your skin and sinuses, though. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stanford thank you for bringing clarity. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me. I use peroxide at home but it is only toxic chemicals at work. Whatever is cost effective I assume.
      Sending you hugs and much love 🤗🤗❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel sorry you and others that have to work under such conditions, with rules about having to use these chemicals and face coverings. The chemicals on the skin is one thing, but as you highlight, the gasses they give off are another. Not to mention problems with wearing masks (although you’ve found these helpful with regards to the gasses!).

    On the topic of your heartache; I have been there at least once. I know from the experience that time does heal the wound, even if not entirely, and sometimes terribly slowly. A way I found to speed up the process is to re-frame the the continuation of the experience as something that is no longer helpful on your journey. Having said that, this realisation will come about on its own, even if you can’t will it to be so right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Brian for your comments. I like what you said about re-framing the continuation of the experience as something that is no longer helpful. I am in the process of doing exactly this as enough is enough. Cutting the cords at least symbolically. Sending you love and lots of hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

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