Mixed Messages

Mixed Messages

Dear loved ones, hello, good morning.

 It is Tuesday morning as I type this.  I really don’t know what I am doing with my fingers on the keyboard and a blank mind.  Not really blank per se but jumbled.  Where has the balanced feelings gone from yesterday?  The sun was shinning then and that must have made all the difference.  Today is gloomy and I have to go to work in a little while but I don’t want to get out of bed.  I want to be lazy and lull about and dream and fantasize. 

Mr. Perfect is keeping me company with his text messages, which is very nice.  Why am I not happy about him?  What is wrong with me?  Why am I bored with him?  I am thinking of ways to end it that causes the least hurt, but I am at a loss.  This is the stuff rambling around in my brain.  I can not envision living with him or being his partner or spouse.  Oh, the sex is very good and I am not complaining about that, but the spark is not there, the mind stimulation is vacant, the fun, the anticipation, my heart beating with love and desire. 

I blame it all on this twin flame journey and the ultimate sexual high and total soul connection I have experienced with divine masculine that nothing else can ever come close to.  Will I never be satisfied with anyone else? Is the rest of my life ruined now, always chasing after a bigger thrill?

 No, I will not do it – chase someone ever again.  Ha ha, this is what I say now and I am probably deceiving myself. 

I have started again making gemstone jewelry.  I enjoy feeling the stones and designing necklaces and bracelets with a certain theme.  For example, a relative asked me to make her a bracelet and necklace for decreasing anxiety and increasing self-confidence.  I chose the stones that had these attributes and put them together in a pleasing way.  Here is a picture of this set made with rose quartz, rhodonite, amethyst, and clear quartz.  I also named it “Stand By Me”.  It is always fun to give things names.

The oil paint I squeezed out of their tubes for the ala prima painting I started, has all dried out and been wasted.  Watercolour had me spoiled because I could leave the paint unattended and worked on the painting for a little bit of time or for longer periods, and the paint was always fine – just add some water.  Acrylic paint, although it can be mixed with water also dries very fast both on the painting and on the palette. I wasted so much paint!  I do not have a proper studio.  Only my bedroom which thankfully is large enough for a desk to hold my easel and brushes.  It is all perfectly adequate and I am not complaining one bit.

 I love my bedroom, my sanctuary, my arbour to dream dreams into reality.  It wasn’t that long ago that I had to escape from a husband who gave me no reprieve, no privacy to even think my own thoughts.  Even the bathroom was fair game for him to come into at any time.  I learned the hard way that I couldn’t even express my thoughts in my journal.  He read everything and even photocopied pages to use against me at a later date.  You have no idea how wonderful it is to write these posts and talk to you freely on these pages.    To speak and not hold back even though I may embarrass myself in front of you with my forthrightness.

The painting at the beginning is again not a new one, and you may have seen it already.  I did have a few days off work but I did not paint, but made jewelry instead.  I am not fighting this ebb and flow and will let things evolve as they will.  Thank you for being here with me and reading.  I love you and my arms are hugging you but not too tightly.  Summerhill Lane xoxo

Here are two other necklaces I have made in the last few days.