Two Faced

Posing for his portrait by Summerhill Lane
The colourful mountain fills my eye

Two Faced

Dear loved ones,

Hi, hello.  My thoughts are a jumble today and so this post is going to be a ramble while I sort things out.  As you know I have been seeing Mr. Perfect for several months now, actually it has been about seven months since we met.  We originally connected on the Facebook dating site, he was looking for someone to chat with while going through a breakup with his spouse.  They were still sharing the same house for convenience and financial reasons.  Being held prisoner in his bedroom most of the time as he didn’t want to run into her in any other part of the house.  At least this is what he told me and I did believe him.  It was supposed to be just chatting and a distraction for him and I suppose I am a very good distraction.  I also needed some attention.  He would use me to distract himself and I would use him too.  It was all agreed. 

We met right away to go for a walk and have an ice cream.  He was impressed with me I know because he did a double take, and I liked his Lenny Kravitz good looks as he got off his motorcycle.  Let’s just say we liked each other, but I didn’t feel instant attraction and there were no sparks flying the way they did when I first saw divine masculine. 

We met many more times to go for walks in the park and motorcycle rides to some local destinations and some not so local as well.  He bought me a helmet so I could ride with him.  We got along very well and had fun together.  I wanted it to stay this way and not involve sex, but being me, I wanted sex, and being him (a man), he wanted sex. 

It was around this time that I wrote the poem titled “White Bloomers” to describe our first sexual experience.  I will put the link to that post here.

As alluded to in the poem “Black lace panties or a thong this guy then was quickly gone” he was not gone after this but only wanted more and more and more.  Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining.  Ha ha. 

All this time that things were developing with Mr. Perfect, I am still feeling divine masculine with me and thinking of him every day.  The love for him is always freely flowing no matter what else is going on in my life.  There had been a few sporadic email messages between us, always very polite (Merry Christmas, hope you are staying safe, etc.) but nothing about seeing each other again.  Nothing loving, nothing sexual, or not much, I did throw in a little of that just to stir things up.

Mr. Perfect’s spouse left his house in October last year so he was free for exactly three months when he moved in his previous ex spouse.  It is all very friendly, and he has stayed friends with all his spouses (I think there are 3 or maybe more).  I guess that is a good way to be – staying friends with exes.  My last husband stayed friends with his ex all the years we were married and I didn’t care.  In fact, I wish she would have kept him in stead of setting him free to come and terrorize me.  I am making this sound funny, but it wasn’t really. 

I told Mr. Perfect about divine masculine but not in any great detail, and not that I was still madly in love with him.  He did see all the portraits of DM on my bedroom walls and was aware that something was going on.  I have since taken down these paintings and put them away because they were overpowering even for me. 

Now, getting to the title of this post – Two Faced.  “Split in two” is more accurate but not as catchy.  On Sunday, while Mr. Perfect was laying in my bed sleeping, I was messaging with DM.  Very sexual messages I might add.  We are planning on seeing each other when travel restrictions are lifted, or at least this is what we have been talking about.  He knows about Mr. Perfect and that he was there with me. 

Am I just a slut for real?  I was so happy to be communicating with DM that I didn’t care that another man was laying beside me.  I am not married or engaged or even called girlfriend (he calls me My Lady (gag)).  We are just supposed to be chatting and one day at a time.  Maybe it has gone beyond this because he does say he loves me practically every day and wants to make travel plans with me for the summer. 

But I am still in love with someone else and even the cord cutting visualization did not work to lesson the intense passion I have for DM.  This coming together (pun) may not happen and I am not going to be devastated if it doesn’t, like all the times before.  I will not let myself be broken again.  Just a distraction and not a real option.  Fuck that!  I would rather be alone and make myself happy. 

Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts.  Life is wonderful and an adventure every day.  The sun is finally shinning in my window and my joyful mood has returned.  I love you.  Summerhill Lane xoxo

One other thing before I stop.  I have been thinking that this twin flame journey is a New Age distraction.  Ascension is a big component of this philosophy and I don’t buy into it.  What, are we just going to climb into the fifth dimension and leave everyone behind in the 3D to be taken over and controlled by the new world order?  This story sounds exactly like my former cult religion which preached about being saved into the new world and everyone else would be destroyed.  So here too I am two faced and split in my view.  I know what I have experienced with divine masculine has been real and we are connected, a soul tie, and I feel him with me every day. 

I don’t know what this is, if it isn’t a twin soul. 

Published by summerhilllane

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18 thoughts on “Two Faced

  1. I wondered that too about Ascension. It reminded me of a movie from the 90s Powder about a young man who is very spiritually evolved. There are very mysterious circumstances around his birth. He is different and bullied by his peers but he never loses his faith in humanity or his pure Buddha-like nature. Then one day he just poof up and disappears into the sky during an outing with some friends. So I am thinking watching this movie that he ascends and leaves behind his physical form. I don’t think you can ascend without leaving behind the ego/the physical body. I don’t think the human body could possibly contain within it all of that knowledge or energy or divinity or whatever. I guess I thought that we reach a certain state of evolvement and then remain to help others and then when we die we shed the ego and the body and then chose what we will do next. Return to source, reincarnate, become a spirit guide. I am not really sure! I do agree it sounds cultish to think of I don’t just leaving everyone to rot while we pop off to some interstellar ashram. I am more of the school of I don’t know exactly what will happen. I have my own beliefs obviously but I try to keep an open mind. All I know if how I feel for my DM =)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear beautiful poet, you and I are of the same mind. I don’t know with certainty anything except how I feel about DM.
      This ascension idea is biblical and has been preached for centuries, only now the New Age philosophy has cloaked it in newness. It is the same old thing re-visited, that we sit and wait for a savior and be lifted up away from all the misery. But only if we believe. It is a way to inactivate anyone with a curious and rational mind. ❤❤❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree about there not being “twin flames” and the “ascension”. It doesn’t ring with Truth. I believe that people come and go in our lives and we can either allow them to enrich us or we can pine away for what once was. 🤷🏼‍♀️ easier said than done sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Tara for commenting on my post. I have been trying to make sense of this whole twin flame thing and not be caught up in the religion of it. The connection is real and strong with the one I call my divine masculine and it is hard not to pine away as you mentioned. Much love ❤️❤️

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much for liking the “posing for his portrait “ painting. The painting is done from a sketch I did of an artist friend of mine as she was doing a sketch of this horse that was standing so still knowing that he was the centre of attention. ❤️❤️❤️


  3. I really think you’re on the right track with the whole twin flames thing. I think “twin flames” might sometimes be used to describe inexplicable attraction to entities that cause suffering in our lives. If I think of the twin flame as an energy more than an energy, I can incorporate it as part of myself which I always carry with me. I definitely feel that emotionally-dependent relationships between adults are not the ideal. Always love the way you share your truth, dear blog sister. The horse painting is amazing!! 💗🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Darling little sister Lia, you have touched on something that has entered my awareness, that there are entities and energies that may pose as our divine counterparts, and their only aim is to cause pain. And yes an emotionally-dependent relationship is not ideal, to use each other as a crutch instead of being completely whole and healed as an individual and then sharing this with another in a balanced way. I maybe not saying this very eloquently but I hope it is at least understandable. Thank you for liking my horse painting. It is one of my favourites. it is of my friend as she was sketching a horse as he stood stock still while she drew him. I was drawing her while she was drawing him. Sending you lots of love. ❤❤❤😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Summerhill… wow what a wonderful reply. And to hear the process behind the horse painting… just amazing. I never would have guessed that. I love knowing the story behind it. What a gift. Thanks, so much, for sharing. Lots and lots of love back at you. 💗💜💞💕🙏🦄

        Liked by 1 person

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