Living With Disappointment

He would rather be eating fish by Summerhill Lane

Living with Disappointment

Dear loved ones,

Hello.  It just occurred to me to wonder where the word hello came from.  It is the word hell with an o added.  Our language is strange.  Many words sound exactly the same but are spelled differently.  Some words don’t even look like how they are pronounced.  Sorry, I am just blabbing. 

Just an update on my covid test.  Last Tuesday I had the covid test, you know that long handled que tip (cotton swab) shoved up your nose and twisted around for 5 seconds.  Yes, that little bit of nastiness.  It bothered me a lot, but other people don’t seem to mind much.  Anyway, I got the result the next day and it said “No Covid Virus Present”.  A negative result.  So, I did not have the covid virus according to the test.  My friend, who I was in direct contact with, had tested positive and we both had the same symptoms. It didn’t make any sense.

 I am supposed to self isolate and go back in a few days for a redo.  I haven’t decided yet if I will go back.  I am feeling better, so it doesn’t make any difference if I had the virus or not.  It may sound strange, but I actually was disappointed that the results were negative.  I wanted proof that I had it and would now be immune.   

Yes, it is true that people have died from this virus, just like many have died from the flu and a whole lot of other common conditions. 

God, this is boring.  I am reading over what I have written and just want to scrap the whole thing.  Please do not leave me yet, as maybe something more important and interesting will appear on this page.  If it doesn’t you will never know because for sure I will not post. 

I am missing the person I call my divine masculine.  Why, I do not know.  It has been so long since we have had a real conversation of any substance.  Am I just clinging to thin air, an idea of him and not the reality?  Is he a figment of my imagination?  Am I going crazy?  All the questions I pose for myself.  If I am being a nuisance to him, why doesn’t he tell me to piss off?  Block me?  Once he told me that he never wanted me gone, when I tried to say goodbye. 

I reached out to him the other day to give him my test results, as he asked me to keep him up to date with that.  I had hoped he would respond, but he didn’t. 

As you know I am a widow.  It has been just over a year since my second husband passed away.  We had been separated for two years before this.  His death is only affecting me now, as I am reliving our relationship and the things that went on.  It was truly terrible.  Someday I may write about it, but not now.  And, it is not “poor me, look at me I had such a hard time”.  Not at all like that.  I am not looking for sympathy. 

I am all over the map tonight.  It is about 8:30pm here as I write this.  A long day in isolation.  I did take Gibson for a little walk to the park and threw the ball for him to chase after.  He was only taken out the one time though.  Poor little fellow is not getting his exercise and neither am I.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  Maybe, I will take him out now even though it is dark and raining.  Thank you for being here with me tonight.  I read your posts, or as many of them as I can, and appreciate you very much.  I love you.  Hugs & Kisses, Summerhill Lane xoxo

Published by summerhilllane

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13 thoughts on “Living With Disappointment

  1. Congratulations and condolences on your negative test results. I know! Anything for this shit to be over with already! Take care of yourself and thanks for piping in once in a while. 😌

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Glad you didn’t have COVID. It is hard living alone anytime when you are isolated my friend. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You sound like you are doing pretty good. I am sending the biggest hug you can imagine. Love ❤️ Joni

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so sweet. Yes I am doing pretty good my friend. Thanks for all the big hugs. I have missed hugging people. I hope you find someone so special your socks will literally be knocked off. Love you too sweetie. 🤗❤️🥰

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Summerhill… so sorry to hear you were not feeling well, and about the painful and negative-results test (yes, would be good to have official immunity), but very glad you were feeling better later… I so hear you on the grieving getting harder after one year… that is how it is for me with my mother… much love to you, lovely 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lia, little sister. It is interesting that the grief comes on stronger after a year. It may be an internal safety switch that gets turned on when a person is more capable of dealing with loss. I am just guessing.
      Love you sweetheart ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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